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史上最强的男女吹牛
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史上最强的男女吹牛
女生版
我的小名叫小美,大名叫大美。
据说我出生的时候是笑着出来的,护士小姐抱我到妇产房转,我笑了一下,不想全房怀男婴的孕妇全部早产,那些男婴刚出来一个头,也不哭,就眨吧着粘涟涟的眼睛滴溜溜的跟着我转,嘴里还叭叽着:美!美!直到我出去后,才听到后面一声接一声的嚎涛大哭。
在我幼年的时候,家里请了一位女大学生来做家教,教了一天,就走来了,原因是她在 我面前太自卑,从哪以后,她再也不照镜子了,一照就哭。我的童年一直是在家里的, 不敢外出,因为有一次我去逛公园,路上的司机,行人都盯着我看,导致八辆车被撞,七人受伤,六个骑自行车掉进阴沟,五人撞着电线杆。进了一次公园,第二天,公园里 花全部枯萎。那时我不知道什么叫美,不知道这是什么原因。 我读书的时候,家里就交给我面纱,让我蒙着脸,我一直读到大学都不曾揭天面纱, 大学里有位校花,自尊心特强,一天不小心看到我的面容,一向活泼的她一下子变得郁 郁寡欢了几天后不见其踪影,听同学说,她去韩国整容了,校花整容回来,又偷偷看 了我的面容,什么也不说默默走开,第二天又去韩国了。
我以为我可以好好的毕业的,不想有天晚自习,我骑自行车回家,在校门口,面纱掉了 ,被正面的男生看到,只见他睁着大眼,咚的一声倒下了,送到医院已无回天之术了, 医生说是因为极度兴奋引起心脏病发,临终前他面带微笑,说了最后三个字:真美呀!
为此我深感内疚,夜晚跑到天桥上大哭,在我揭面纱擦眼泪的时候,不小心被记者拍照 ,第二天我的相片上报纸,第三天,全城所有有家室的男人都要求离婚,白天,男人们 都到我曾站过的天桥上晃悠,晚上就每天扛个被子睡在天桥上。
在此城我已待不下去了,家人决定送我到美国,我在美国参观艺术长廊时,看到蒙娜丽 纱的微笑,正在我摘下默镜,准备好好欣赏时,蒙娜丽纱却双手蒙面,从此,名画蒙娜 丽纱的微笑没有了,倒又出了另一名画,蒙娜丽纱的忧虑。也行是我每天出行都眼带墨镜 ,面带黑纱,美国情报局认为我很有做女间谍的天赋,于是应请我到情报局工作。一 天开秘密大会,竟有小布什主持,开完会,我到洗手间洗手台,准备洗脸,没想到我刚摘下面纱,小布什进来,他看了我的面容,什么也不说,跪下去,请求我能让他吻一下 ,做他的情人,我迫于他的威胁只好答应他过段时间再考虑他。可能是小布什想让我立 功方便调我到他身边去,也不会惹上什么绯闻,于是派我到伊位克做间谍,因为工作的 原因,我和萨达姆接触的比较多,没想到这就引起小布什吃醋,决心要除掉老萨,最后终于让他找一个机会,发生了美伊战争,炸平了伊拉克,老萨也被处死。
我憎恨战争,这战争却是因为我而爆发的,我痛苦万分,我恨我自已,我决定回国,到 佛祖庙请佛祖赐于我一死,我以真实面目跪在佛祖面前说:佛祖呀,我不是恶人,我只 是因为美,却让人,社会,世界产生这么大的罪恶,我现在只想请佛祖赐于我一死。刚 说完,抬头看到佛祖的面容竟变得有些拘谨,喏喏的说:你不能死,我不让你死,我要 还俗追求你。我惊慌逃走。
我在海边边跑边自问,我真的那么美吗?我不相信,于是我跑到一个酒店里开了间房, 在浴房面对镜子,我一件件脱去我衣服,(我长这么大,从末看过自已的身体),我静 静的看着我的胴体,即刻我哽住呼吸,心脏缓跳,脑中一片空白,我知道我,我,我就要被自已美死了。
男生版:
我出生在一个普通家庭,父母健康,有爷爷奶奶,还有几个姑姑叔叔。
据说,我出生时,天空的北方,出现祥云一片,渐渐由远至近,飘到我家房顶后,幻化成一个字:帅
爸爸见到我后,声嘶力竭的哭了一个半月,他打死也不相信我是他的染色体遗传下来的孩子,几次携菜刀冲到我母亲床前,挥舞着说要把我斩成肉泥,母亲以死相护,我才得以存活。
爷爷的青光眼十几年了,一米开外分不清是人是狗,可是当我出现在他眼前的时候,老人家老泪纵横,自谫双目,从此不见天日,说是不想再见到人,以免后患无穷。
后来,母亲为了证明自己的清白,拉着父亲要去医院作亲子鉴定,医生揭开被子只看了一眼就哭了,抹着鼻涕说回去吧,这不是你儿子,谁的也不是,人类生不出这么帅的孩子......
一个实习的小护士走过,看见了襁褓中的我,立刻找了盒红印泥,把我的指纹印了下来,并把盘好的头发一下子散开,对着我喃喃道:长发为君留,此生若不嫁你,长发不减,清灯古佛,自梳闺中......
母亲赶紧往外走,一路小跑,不小心碰到了隔壁妇产科一个等着生孩子的老太太,老太太拉住母亲,慈祥地说:孩子,急什么啊,有啥想不开的啊?别颠着孩子啊......
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母亲被她缠得心烦,一把拉开被子,那老太太一看见我,立刻跟上了神经病得似的,眼泪哗哗的,一屁股蹲倒在地,摇头狂叫:我早生了50年啊!!母亲闪......
我长到十五岁的时候,还不敢上学,不是没上过,幼儿园的时候上了半天就不敢去了,全园的孩子老师加院长都疯了,我的脸蛋被小女孩亲的肿成了西瓜,阿姨们狂殴小朋友,不为别的,就因为他们和我生在一个年段,军警出动,才算平息了bd。
我家门口常年有人钓鱼,而且绝不空手而归。最有意思的是,我们家离海还有一百公里,他们却经常在门前的小臭水沟里钓到金枪鱼,并且在草垛后边发现了海龟蛋。后来经调查,原来是因为我家门口常年不断有无数女人哭泣,而眼泪的成分富含氨基酸和蛋白质,十分适合金枪鱼生存和海龟产卵下蛋,经年累月,那些女人的眼泪汇集成了一小片海滩。
The Strongest Boasting Between Men and Women
Female Version
My nickname is Xiaomei, and my formal name is Damei.
It is said that when I was born, I came out with a smile. When the nurse carried me to the maternity room, I smiled, and unexpectedly all the pregnant women in the room who were expecting male babies gave birth prematurely. The male babies just had their heads out, didn't cry, but blinked their sticky eyes and followed me around, babbling: "Mei! Mei!" Until after I went out, then I heard one cry after another behind me.
When I was young, our family hired a female college student as a tutor. After teaching for one day, she left because she was too自卑 in front of me. From then on, she never looked in the mirror again; she would cry as soon as she looked in the mirror. My childhood was always at home, and I didn't dare to go out because once I went to the park, the drivers and pedestrians on the road all stared at me, causing eight cars to be in accidents, seven people injured, six cyclists fell into the gutter, and five people hit telephone poles. After entering the park once, all the flowers in the park withered the next day. At that time, I didn't know what beauty was, and I didn't know what the reason was.
When I was studying, my family gave me a veil and let me cover my face. I didn't lift the veil until college. There was a school flower in the university, who had a very strong self-esteem. One day, she accidentally saw my face. The usually lively one suddenly became depressed. After a few days, she disappeared. I heard from classmates that she went to South Korea for plastic surgery. After the school flower came back from plastic surgery, she secretly saw my face again, said nothing, walked away silently, and went to South Korea again the next day.
I thought I could graduate well, but one day during evening self-study, I rode a bicycle home. At the school gate, the veil fell off, and the boy facing me saw it. He just opened his big eyes and fell down with a thump. When he was sent to the hospital, there was no way to save him. The doctor said it was because of extreme excitement causing a heart attack. Before dying, he had a smile on his face and said the last three words: "So beautiful!"
I felt very guilty about this. I ran to the overpass at night and cried. When I lifted the veil to wipe my tears, I was accidentally photographed by a reporter. The next day, my photo was in the newspaper. The third day, all the married men in the city asked for divorce. During the day, the men all wandered on the overpass where I had stood, and at night, they carried a quilt and slept on the overpass every day.
I couldn't stay in this city anymore. My family decided to send me to the United States. When I was visiting the art gallery in the United States, I saw the Mona Lisa's smile. Just as I was taking off my sunglasses and was about to enjoy it carefully, Mona Lisa covered her face with both hands. Then, the famous painting of Mona Lisa's smile was gone, and another famous painting, Mona Lisa's Worry, came out instead. Maybe because I wore sunglasses and a black veil every day when going out, the US intelligence agency thought I had great talent for being a female spy, so they invited me to work in the intelligence agency. One day, there was a secret meeting, which was presided over by Bush. After the meeting, I went to the washroom to wash my hands. Unexpectedly, as soon as I took off the veil, Bush came in. When he saw my face, he said nothing, knelt down, and begged me to let him kiss me and be his lover. I had to promise him to consider it later because of his threat. Maybe Bush wanted me to make contributions to make it convenient to transfer me to his side and not cause any scandals, so he sent me to Iraq as a spy. Because of the work, I had more contact with Saddam. Unexpectedly, this made Bush jealous. He was determined to get rid of old Sa. Finally, he found an opportunity and there was the US-Iraq War, which flattened Iraq and Sa was executed.
I hated the war, but this war broke out because of me. I was very painful. I hated myself. I decided to return to China and go to the Buddha temple to ask Buddha to grant me death. I knelt in front of Buddha with my true face and said: "Buddha, I'm not an evil person. I'm just because of beauty, but it has caused so much evil to people, society, and the world. Now I just want Buddha to grant me death." Just after saying that, I looked up and saw that Buddha's face became a bit constrained and stammered: "You can't die. I don't let you die. I want to leave the monkhood and pursue you." I fled in panic.
I ran by the sea and asked myself: Am I really that beautiful? I didn't believe it. So I went to a hotel, opened a room, and in the bathroom facing the mirror, I took off my clothes one by one. (I had never seen my own body in my life.) I quietly looked at my body, and immediately I choked my breath, my heart beat slowly, and my mind went blank. I knew that I, I, I was going to be beautiful to death by myself.
Male Version:
I was born into an ordinary family, with healthy parents, grandparents, and several aunts and uncles.
It is said that when I was born, a piece of auspicious cloud appeared in the north of the sky. Gradually, it came closer and closer, floated to the roof of my house, and then transformed into a character: Shuai (handsome).
After my father saw me, he cried hoarsely for a month and a half. He simply didn't believe that I was a child inherited from his chromosomes. Several times, he rushed to my mother's bed with a kitchen knife, waving it and saying he would chop me into minced meat. My mother protected me with her life, and I was able to survive.
Grandpa had had glaucoma for more than ten years and couldn't tell a person from a dog from more than a meter away. But when I appeared in front of him, the old man burst into tears, blinded himself, and never saw the light again. He said he didn't want to see people again to avoid future troubles.
Later, my mother, in order to prove her innocence, pulled my father to go to the hospital for a paternity test. The doctor lifted the quilt and only took one look and cried. Wiping his nose, he said, "Go back. This isn't your son. It's not anyone's. Humans can't give birth to such a handsome child..."
An intern nurse passed by. She saw me in the swaddle, immediately found a box of red inkpad, printed my fingerprint, and then scattered her tied-up hair in one go. She murmured to me: "Long hair is kept for you. If I don't marry you in this life, my hair won't be cut short. I'll live in seclusion as a nun..."
My mother quickly walked out. In a hurry, she accidentally bumped into an old lady waiting to give birth in the next obstetrics and gynecology department. The old lady pulled my mother and said kindly: "Child, why are you in such a hurry? What's so unbearable? Don't jostle the child..."
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My mother was annoyed by her entanglement. She pulled open the quilt. As soon as the old lady saw me, she immediately went crazy like a神经病. Tears flowed down in torrents. She squatted down on the ground and shook her head and roared: "I was born 50 years earlier!!" My mother dodged...
When I was fifteen years old, I still didn't dare to go to school. It wasn't that I hadn't been to school. I went to kindergarten for half a day and then didn't dare to go again. The whole garden of children, teachers, and the dean went crazy. My face was swollen into a watermelon by little girls kissing it. Aunts beat the children fiercely. It wasn't for anything else but because they were in the same grade as me. The military and police were dispatched to finally quell the chaos.
There were always people fishing in front of my house, and they never returned empty-handed. The most interesting thing was that our house was still a hundred kilometers away from the sea, but they often caught tuna in the small stinking ditch in front of the house and found turtle eggs behind the haystack. Later, it was investigated that it was because there were countless women crying in front of my house all year round, and the composition of the tears was rich in amino acids and proteins, which was very suitable for the survival of tuna and the laying of turtle eggs. Over the years, the tears of those women had gathered into a small beach.
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