China DOS Union

After Fan Jin was appointed a leading cadre, he often mentioned his father-in-law Butcher Hu in public, as if all his hard studying through winter cold and summer heat was worth less than that one slap from Butcher Hu. So although he was also negligent in office and corrupt, and also kept mistresses on the side, he never forgot his wife who had shared the hard times with him.
　　
　　Although Butcher Hu had slapped the Star of Literature and left his own arm sore, numb, swollen, and aching, needing several plasters, he had after all cured his son-in-law’s madness. So when merits and faults were weighed, it came out seventy-thirty, and that kept his mind balanced. Whenever he drank too much and talked about old times, he was quite high-spirited and grand about it.
　　
　　One day, a colleague and close friend of Fan Jin secretly came to talk with him and said: recently, by attending on a certain superior leader, he had won favor, and so got a raise and promotion. After that, money started pouring in, subordinates all flocked to him, and he had never imagined being an official could have such benefits. Because of this he spent all day as if drifting in clouds and mist, dazed and abnormally excited, as though madness might be coming on. To prevent trouble before it happened, he suddenly remembered Butcher Hu’s resounding slap, famous for over a hundred years, which had once had miraculous effects, and so he had boldly come to enjoy a slap from Butcher Hu.
　　
　　Seeing how sincere his friend was, and since it was a close friend asking, Fan Jin immediately went with him to his father-in-law’s house and explained the situation to Butcher Hu. But unexpectedly, after hearing it, Butcher Hu became silent as a cicada in winter and could not utter a sound. Thinking back on how many plasters he had wasted, he hurriedly refused.
　　
　　Seeing this, Fan Jin’s close friend immediately took out a gold ingot from his wallet and put it on the table. The glittering gold light brightened Butcher Hu’s eyes, and his hand immediately began to itch. While verbally declining, he pocketed the ingot, then said “excuse me,” swung his arm in a full arc, and gave Fan Jin’s friend a loud slap across the face. Five clear finger marks were left on the man’s fat face.
　　
　　After quite a while, Fan Jin and Butcher Hu asked how it felt. Fan Jin’s friend half-closed his eyes as if enjoying himself and said: Wonderful! Then he looked in a mirror and said: ever since I started taking bribes and accepting ill-gotten wealth, I’ve been restless day and night. Now that I’ve suffered such abuse and received retribution, I feel at ease in body and mind, calm and peaceful. I will certainly repay you generously another day. With that he took his leave.
　　
　　Word that Butcher Hu could cure madness spread without wings. Officials, bosses, and others from near and far came seeking help because of his fame. For a time his house was crowded with visitors; domestic Audis and imported Benzes lined up in front of his door all day long. Butcher Hu basked in boundless glory, and from then on no longer worked at slaughtering pigs and butchering cattle.
　　
　　Whenever he met people, Butcher Hu praised his son-in-law as no sour scholar who turned pale at the mention of money and women, but a hero fit for the age of economics. He also said he had not misjudged things in marrying his daughter to Fan Jin—truly, blue smoke was rising from the ancestral graves.
　　
　　Butcher Hu knew his arms had become precious. Inspired by Guan Yunchang of the Three Kingdoms period, he made a special trip to a famous clothing design building and had a brocade sleeve custom-made to protect his arm and hand, wrapping and safeguarding them; he also went to a personal insurance company and insured both arms for 20 million yuan. Both acts were firsts of their kind at the time. Thus, all kinds of media hyped him up extensively, and Butcher Hu became ever more famous far and wide.　　

Who should women marry in the next ten years?

In the 1950s they married workers—working-class people had fixed incomes and were in demand; in the 1960s they married peasants—politically sound and “red,” which eased class-background pressure; in the 1970s they married soldiers—there was still security in the army; in the 1980s they married diplomas—the old ninth category became desirable; they married drivers, because there was oil and profit to skim; they married specialized-household entrepreneurs, because getting rich through labor was glorious. In the 1990s they married rich men; if they couldn’t marry one, they still tried to cling to one; they married the children of high-ranking cadres, so they could ride around in private cars. So who should they marry in the next ten years?

　　Those who married workers now find most enterprises doing badly; those who married peasants find the power of class background already gone; those who married soldiers find that once the soldier-brothers leave the service, they face reemployment; those who married diplomas find that bookish men have sentiment but little money; those who married drivers get a whole body full of gasoline smell, affecting married life; those who married specialized-household entrepreneurs find the small peasant economy moving toward group-scale operations; those who married rich men find that with more money comes a wandering heart; those who married high-cadre offspring find that once the old lord falls, all his influence is uprooted. The more desirable young women are today, the more they find themselves caught in a dilemma when it comes to marriage. Looking around at families on the verge of collapse—either facing bankruptcy or undergoing restructuring—on whom can a young woman set her heart so that things will stay united and stable?


　　Those who lower their price and marry for practical conditions are merely making do; once conditions change, they remarry. Those with feelings but no conditions are only fit to be lovers, not to bear the title of husband. In today’s society there are many people just making do, and there are also many who stop making do and marry again and again. Those waiting to marry, those remarrying—whom should they marry? Today’s mate-selection standard is moving toward romantic realism: romance is indispensable, because without romance there is no feeling; but reality cannot be lacking either, because nobody can afford a love story lived on northwest wind. In the next ten years, the winners in marriage will be double millionaires—millions in family wealth, and millions in spirit. These doubly fortunate people are a mixed product of the old ninth category’s temperament and the rich man’s style. In the next 10 years, both the rich men and the women clinging to them will become obsolete and be淘汰ed by history; the intelligent businessman will turn from a dark horse into a red horse. From then on, the Red Horse Prince will be in fashion.

Guide to Becoming a Famous Romantic Hero of the Martial World

First, let me state clearly that this article applies to male compatriots under thirty-five. If any lady warriors hope to become female love saints famed through the ages in the martial world, this article has rather limited reference value.

　　Besides, I personally think that most ancient female love saints came from brothels, such as Huo Xiaoyu, Du Shiniang, and so on, and they always had to take a tragic route—if they didn’t sink into a river, they had to prepare to catch some incurable disease. It hurts both body and heart and isn’t worth it, so I do not recommend that any of you imitate them. If ladies study this article, all you need to do is grasp the male love saint’s route of activity and ambush-kill him.


　　All right, enough idle talk. If you want to become a romantic hero of the martial world, the first thing is to have a good name.


　　I strongly recommend double-character surnames, so when reincarnating you must choose your parents carefully. If you have already chosen wrong, I suggest quickly finding yourself a godfather with a double-character surname. Ximen (Chuixue), Ouyang (Ke), Linghu (Chong), Murong (Fu)—all of the above are surnames worth recommending with all one’s strength. Once you have one, on the first meeting alone your name will shine brilliantly in the heroine’s heart. Truly, what more could one ask?


　　Of course, there are also unpopular double-character surnames, such as Gongyang. If unfortunately you have that surname, then prepare to squat in some deep mountain and become some lofty master. When our romantic hero cannot defeat the great demon lord, he may just happen to fall into your arms, and you must remember to pass on all your life’s martial arts to him, even giving up sixty years of cultivation and your old life in the bargain. See? That is the consequence of not having a good surname.


　　Among single-character surnames there are also decent ones, such as Chu (Liuxiang), Bai (Yujing), Jiang (Nan), and so on. It is best if the chosen character has an ancient flavor, carries a watery aura, and has a somewhat hazy meaning. Some surnames, however, are the mortal enemies of romantic heroes. For example, if your surname is Niu, then you had better honestly play a reclusive farmer-knight. And those surnamed Peng are generally destined to be experts of the Peng family’s Five Tigers Broken Gate Saber. That family has never yet produced a romantic hero in martial-world history, and has instead cornered a great many bit-part walk-on roles. Take Jin as another example: it is fated to smell too much of copper and not enough of elegance, like Jin Yong and Jin Hezai. The only Jin with any prospects, Jin Shiyi, was still a beggar.


　　As for given names, two characters win out as well. For example, Zhang Danfeng—this is the “realm without self” Mr. Wang Guowei spoke of in ci poetry; there is simply no end to how dashing it is. Or take Qi Shaoshang: ancient elegance and romantic charm! Especially that “Shao” character, which occupies all the springtime and remains forever young. Comrade Shao Jianbo from Tracks in the Snowy Forest was simply born in the wrong era; otherwise he absolutely could have become a martial-world romantic hero remembered for five hundred years. Why did Murong Fu fail? Because although he got a good surname, he had only a one-character given name. If he had changed his name to “Murong Fushui,” then from the moment he appeared, his future as the martial world’s great handsome man would already have been set, and he would certainly have had an infinitely heartbreaking romantic past.


　　So I recommend the following names to everyone: Ximen Yinxue, Sima Qiuchou, Ouyang Yihen, Ozawa Zheng’er...


　　Next, pay attention to background and life story.


　　If you cannot be born into the foremost great family of the martial world, some Nanguan family or the like, then your family had best be ruined first. As the saying goes, plum blossom fragrance comes from bitter cold. For the sake of having pretty heroine girls to flirt with in the future, I still suggest your parents emigrate first to Australia or America, and then you can become homeless. Just think about it: which romantic hero has parents? Don’t mention Wei Xiaobao to me.


　　Having no parents has countless advantages. First, from childhood you can train your martial arts in famous mountains and great rivers, like Linghu Chong. Second, you do not have to help with housework to support the family—have you ever seen Yang Guo farming? Third, no one will arrange a pile of childhood betrothals for you. As we all know, fairy-like maidens are never born into such vulgar families. Besides, if you are betrothed and then do not marry, you will bear the great crimes of disloyalty, unfiliality, inhumanity, and unrighteousness. Guo Jing has already failed at this point, and everyone must not repeat his mistake.


　　Aside from a few friends of extraordinary natural gifts who can be born beyond the frontier and still become romantic heroes, such as Luo Xiaohu, generally a romantic hero still has to live within the Central Plains. The Jiangnan region, rich in watery aura and dense in humanistic atmosphere, is the most nourishing; personally I think it is the best producing area for romantic heroes. If you go too far south into Lingnan, that too is troublesome. There are indeed many tender-as-water Miao girls there who will cast gu on you and force you to marry them, but this type of Miao man does not meet the Central Plains standard for romantic heroes. Everyone must remember not to come from Wa Japan. In fact, romantic heroes from Japan mostly end their lives in tragic fashion, such as the father of the wonderful monk Wuhua, or the beautiful young swordsman Okita Souji.


　　Be cautious, be cautious.


　　As for weapon choice, the sword is the first choice.


　　The sword has many advantages: first, it is light and portable; second, elegant and refined; third, it has the air of a noble young master. I have drafted a list of the most taboo weapons:


　　The nine-ring gold-backed broadsaber. This kind of weapon is used specially by mountain bandits, mainly to build up imposing presence, and generally gets cut in two by a treasured sword before the first move is over.


　　The Xuanhua axe. Specially used by distinctive earth-bandits such as Cheng Yaojin and Li Kui. If anyone thinks they look like romantic heroes, then please do not keep reading this article. Our aesthetic tastes seem to come from two completely different planets.


　　The Emei dagger. Please note the two characters “Emei.” This type of weapon, like Dongfang Bubai’s embroidery needle, is simply too dainty and delicate. It is not suitable before you swing the knife at yourself, and after swinging the knife you also no longer need to become a romantic hero. People with naturally very special inclinations may use it, but as for how to use it to become a special kind of romantic hero, I do not know.


　　Iron ruler, iron chain, and the like. These are specially for constables, and constables with even a little fame usually disdain them—for example, Leng Xue still uses a sword, and Wuqing uses hidden weapons.


　　The nine-toothed rake. During the Great Tang there was once a romantic hero who used it, but unfortunately the moves were later lost.


　　Other weapons worth recommending include folding fans, uniquely styled sabers (such as Fu Hongxue’s black saber), long spears, chess pieces, and bare hands. Note that if you go barehanded, you must practice finger-and-palm martial arts. Mighty Eagle Claw and Shaolin Long Fist are not recommended. You can imagine Lu Xiaofeng pointing one finger and saying “Lingxi Finger,” but can you imagine him stepping into a horse stance, punching forward, and shouting “Black Tiger Steals the Heart”? (Monkey Steals the Peach? That is far too low-class, isn’t it?)


　　If you don’t believe me, then carry a wolf-tooth club, bring two gilt hammers, ride a donkey, and go walk your own alternative romantic-hero path. I won’t bother with you anymore.


　　All right then. Now your name is Ximen Yinxue, your parents have emigrated to America, you use a treasured sword, you have no childhood betrothal, and you have grown to twenty years old. Now you are going out to look for beautiful young girls and become a romantic hero. The key is: what road do you take?


　　“My family has especially many younger sisters; if there’s no danger, don’t come to the door.”


　　Remember those words above: an eternal truth. Every younger sister as beautiful as a heavenly immortal will only appear at the very instant of life and death. Otherwise think about it: if men could run into her casually, then long before age eighteen she would already have had countless love affairs and fallen into the arms of countless brothers. How then could she fit the mate-selection standard of a martial-world romantic hero?


　　So you must go to dangerous places: beyond the frontier, snowy mountains, deep valleys and caves, the homes of crooked-path gang bosses—wherever it is dangerous, that is where you must burrow. And you must go while your martial arts are still poor. Otherwise, if like Ximen Chuixue you are already invincible under heaven, you lose many chances to lie in a girl’s arms recuperating from injuries. That is the reason Yang Guo and Guo Xiang ultimately failed.


　　See that dark-path Dharma king up ahead? Yes, go up and destroy him! But note: you must not provoke those top-ranked swordsmen who kill with a single strike. Imagine if you dared to duel a butcher like Battousai—once his iai sword comes down, there are no survivors. How then would you have the chance, after waking, to lie on a pink brocade couch, coughing blood, and say to some heavenly fairy: “Where... is this?”


　　So now you have already been rescued from Death’s hands by some younger-sister beauty, and quietly settled onto her own bed (I can’t guarantee this point; a more hot-tempered girl might raise you in her family stable instead). But don’t be too happy too soon. It’s not that simple. Don’t bare your teeth and drool with that look of conspiratorial success on your face.


　　Early romantic heroes often had wickedly good luck: struck by some sinister internal power from the dark side, yet unable to kick the bucket for the time being, they had no choice but to spend every day cultivating feelings with the girl while coughing blood for her to see. At such a time there will often come to the door a Daoist adept in bedchamber arts and other crooked methods (it is certain he is the romantic hero’s planted helper), passing along an eternal truth: that only if the girl gives herself to you can your injuries be cured. Then... then... all you need to do is keep coughing blood. But one necessary condition is that the fairy maiden live alone. Otherwise, if she has an oddly shaped maidservant, she may imagine cultivating feelings between you and that maidservant, and then...


　　Later romantic heroes are mostly a bit more unlucky, with obstacles such as the following:


　　First, her father is your father’s killer and the chief boss of the underworld. Nearly ninety percent of underworld bosses have a very, very beautiful daughter, and all of them deeply loathe darkness. There is actually a reason for this: underworld figures will certainly stop at nothing to seize a beautiful wife, so naturally their daughters will be prettier. No need to get so indignant—your future father-in-law is doing it for your sake too, brother.


　　Second, she has a cold personality, like Xiaolongnü... This is understandable. If a fairy maiden were not cold in personality and instead every day liked sticking herself to your chest saying “Marry me, marry me,” then she would be edging a little too close to the brothel route of the heterodox path.


　　Third, she belongs to a different sect from you, preferably even a different ethnicity. For example, you are Emperor Qianlong and are rescued by the Uyghur fairy Xiangxiang with high nose and big eyes. Some people say: then wouldn’t it be enough if I simply abducted her back to the palace? Note carefully: this is Romantic Hero Class 5910; Imperial Ruler Class 9817 is being taught next door.


　　Serious, isn’t it? Don’t be afraid, it’s no big deal. This is to give you plenty of time to dominate the martial world. Now prepare for a very miserable parting from the younger sister. She will secretly look back at you once; if she is more passionate, like Zhao Min, she will bite your lip, and then you have already received the interest in advance.


　　Remember that valley hero surnamed Gongyang from earlier? Go find him and have him pass all his lifetime inner power to you, after which he dies with the oil exhausted and the lamp gone out. You may come to know one or two martial-world friends. Either they already have wives, or they are just too unusually ugly, or else they are monks—in any case, the type who will help you and not compete with you for the fairy maiden. Then you just wander about the jianghu every day, accumulating inner power on one side and influence on the other. During that time there will be several chances to meet the fairy maiden again, but it is certain you will not be able to marry her at once. In this stage you will probably meet three to five other young women, all with some intention of marrying themselves off to you. But remember: chatting with them to pass the loneliness is fine; agreeing to marry means losing your chance to become a true romantic hero. Don’t be like a bear breaking off corncobs—you must keep your eyes fixed firmly on the prettiest one.


　　When the time is about right, you can prepare to go to war with your greatest enemy, perhaps some old demon of an evil cult, perhaps your future underworld father-in-law. And at this moment, wow, you suddenly realize something is terribly wrong: the fairy maiden has actually fallen into danger.


　　All the forces you came to know before can now be brought into play. Just imagine it: winds and clouds stir across the south, a thousand boats race forth on the river, and you lead ten thousand heroes standing at the prow to rescue the beauty. At that moment the breeze lifts your long hair, and clutching your sword you roar: “Whoever dares touch my woman, I’ll fight you to the death!”


　　You know how Linghu Chong’s rescue of Miss Ren ended, right?


　　If your temperament is a bit more alternative and you especially admire a lonely aura, then at this point you will discover that all those unscrupulous friends of yours have suddenly abandoned you. Don’t blame them; they are helping fulfill your heroic greatness. At this time, under a high sky and bitter snow, in black clothes and with a long sword, he walks across the boundless earth and quietly says to the younger sister far away: “I’m coming...”


　　After that comes a great evil battle of one against a thousand. Although in theory your odds of winning are only 1%, that is just the surface number. In the end you will inevitably slaughter your way, bathed in blood, to the fairy maiden’s side. At that moment, sword in hand, desolate yet tender, you kiss her lightly on the cheek, and the great matter of this life is basically settled. Then you can take the opportunity to faint. (If you don’t faint, a big slap may be coming...)


　　Hey, young hero. You’ll have plenty of chances to kiss later. You’ve already been kissing for an hour—aren’t you annoyed yet?


　　Thus, young hero Ximen Yinxue, you have already found the fairy maiden of your heart. The other girls you met before will all feel a little sorrowful yet sincerely wish you happiness without limit. The old dark-path demon lord will also conveniently be finished off; if he is your future father-in-law, he will even obediently entrust his daughter to you, and you can count it as a proper match with formal rites.


　　Go buy a little patch of farmland in Zhongnan Mountain or the watery villages of Jiangnan, and live your small everyday life with your wife. Generally, since you are already married, you won’t have any chance to perform in a sequel. When you are blooming with joy, don’t forget to bring back the parents who emigrated to America, okay?

Marry the moderator