China DOS Union

A threatening letter from a pretty girl to the moderator
Author: Xiaoxiao(china_al
Moderator:　　

　　This is my first time writing a threatening letter, so I don't have much experience, but I will do my best to show the natural talent I was born with in this area. First, thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow, so that in the days to come I can build up richer experience to deal with my boss, my rival in love, my husband.... Although I lack experience, I still know that a so-called “threatening letter” is something that makes the reader feel fear because of its content, so as to achieve some purpose of the writer. So in the following words I will make unremitting efforts. For the sake of our sacred first extortion and being extorted, cooperate with me! I believe there will surely be a bright first-time blush, but I need your encouragement.


　　When the cold gleam of a thug's dagger comes close, “Hand over the money!” is bound to follow right after. You saw the sincere and sharp language in my first paragraph, right? That was the outward outline of the dagger, and now the eagerly awaited moment has arrived: I will elegantly tell you what I want—“Get me a moderator job to try out!” You must feel a bit like you were frightened for nothing. Yes, that's all. I am a noble thug; I wouldn't greedily say on the first try, “Get me a moderator to fool around with!” or “Get me a wife to fool around with!” I take pride in knowing how to proceed step by step, and that makes me feel I have the dignity to be a moderator. You will appreciate this point in future threatening letters.


　　Alright, the setup is already in place. Next, my task is to let you know just how sharp my dagger is, how much it will hurt when it stabs into your body, and how exactly I will stab.


　　1. I have already tracked down your IP, remotely read through your computer, and obtained first-hand personal private information about you. And after much difficulty I even found a genuine copy of some all-purpose statistics software on the market, stuffed all your porn pictures, obscene movies, trashy novels, and mushy love letters into it, and made precise statistics. But don't be nervous. Making them public is not my goal; threatening you is my original intention. If you meet my demand, I'll even recommend a pretty good firewall to you.


　　2. In the chat logs on your computer, I have already found your online-love girlfriend's QQ number, EMAIL, landline, mobile phone.... And by bribing forum members who know you fairly well, I have learned some of your physical characteristics, such as the mole on your chest, the scar on your leg, and the hair whorl on your head, and have now made accurate 3D models of them. I also went to your classmates' directory and found some of your habits since childhood. With all this, I can flawlessly plan a fake scene in which we were childhood sweethearts, then stole the forbidden fruit, then lived together for years, and in the end you toyed with me and cast me aside. The only thing missing is your girlfriend's earth-shaking, ghost-weeping tearful accusation at you. I think after careful consideration, naturally you won't let a virtuous woman like me do such a despicable thing as breaking up a loving couple, right?


　　3. Sigh~! I really can't bear to go on, but you are still a great leader who has led the people through wind and rain. However, at this closing stage, the ancient teachings tell me never to be softhearted like a woman. If you want success, then if you can't be ruthless to yourself, you must be ruthless to others. Ban Er has already agreed that if I don't take office as moderator within three days, then from now on, any posts in the section that are not chatter posts will all disappear, deleted without mercy. Comrade, this is not your effort alone. You may be heartless to yourself, but you cannot be indifferent to others. Which is lighter and which is heavier—you know without me saying it.


　　Alright, I'll list three points for now. If you agreed after reading the first point, that shows you're wise. If you decided after reading the second point, that shows you know what's good for you. If you only bowed your head after the third point, then at least you've finally seen sense. But if... if you're still looking for a fourth point, you'll drive a fine moderator to death!!!

A letter of self-criticism to the bureau chief (joking)
Author: xilovexi(xilovexi)
　　Director A, hello! As the director of the bureau office, I have repeatedly neglected my duties in recent years, often handled matters improperly, and at times offended you, so today I am specially writing to express my remorse to you.

　　One time, you went to your villa to discuss work with Miss Bai, and I knew about it in advance. That afternoon, an urgent call came from the city ordering you to attend a meeting immediately. If it had been a meeting that could be put off, I absolutely would not have gone looking for you, but this time the city required your attendance and did not allow leave. With no other choice, I drove to your villa and called you out, interrupting your work with Miss Bai. I am truly very sorry for that.


　　You asked me to handle the matter of the举报 letter, and I really did not do it well. An employee in our unit accused you of embezzling and taking more than 5 million yuan in bribes, and you told me to find out who this person was, and once I found out, to punish the accuser severely without fail. But after investigating for a long time, I still could not find out who it was. That accuser was indeed no fool. The letter was typed on a computer, with none of the person’s own handwriting, so it was hard to trace.


　　That time in the self-study undergraduate exam, I took the test for you but still failed, making you lose face. I truly feel ashamed, deeply ashamed! Next time, I will definitely study hard and make sure to help you get through the exam, earn your university bachelor’s diploma as soon as possible, and prepare the necessary credentials for your continued promotion.


　　I have a bad habit: when writing reports for leaders, I like to use obscure words. One time, I used words like “conscientious and dedicated” and “villa” in your report, and as a result you read “conscientious and dedicated” as “ke ke ye ye” and “villa” as “bie ye,” making everyone at the meeting burst into laughter and causing you to lose face. For this, I must seriously learn my lesson and guarantee that I will not make the same mistake again.


　　Also, last time the publicity article I prepared for you was published on page two of the newspaper, while your instruction was to get it onto the front-page headline. At the time, I told the newspaper leadership what you wanted, but they said, “For such a tiny little matter, publishing it on page two is already doing you a favor; as for putting it on the front-page headline, no chance.” You said that if necessary we should spend money to buy the space, but money is not always万能的. The newspaper values its own reputation, and even if you want to buy the space, they will not sell it. This is all my fault for not writing the article well enough and not doing enough public-relations work, so I failed to get it onto the front-page headline. I truly feel ashamed. And there were also matters such as your younger cousin finding a job in the city, your seventh aunt’s son getting transferred into cadre status, your eighth aunt’s nephew landing construction projects, and so on—I handled them a bit too slowly, so please forgive me. I think with your influence behind them, all these matters can be handled smoothly.


　　If there are any other mistakes in my usual work, please point them out and criticize me in time, so that I may repent in time and strive to improve.

You'll definitely improve