China DOS Union

Hilarious: Witty Lines from Elementary School Essays
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http://tech.tom.com　 Oct. 28, 2002　　Source: Southern Net　　
People who spend all day online are always getting nostalgic at the drop of a hat.


Lately, while typing away, a bunch of netizens started looking back at the essays they wrote in elementary school, and actually compiled quite a few terrible lines. People recalling them kept exclaiming “cold!” What “cold” means here is shock, amazement... probably also the feeling of getting goosebumps.

How good were your elementary school essays? Were they also the kind that had to be astonishing or nothing?

1. I remember a high school classmate who was really nb. He got caught playing cards in class and was told to write a self-criticism. The next day, after the others involved had read theirs aloud, he walked up to the podium: “As the saying goes, ‘The weather may be unpredictable, and people may meet with blessings or misfortunes from one morning to the next.’ Yesterday I was caught by the teacher playing cards in class...”

Our teacher was totally stunned on the spot! That guy is in a directing department now, wonder how he’s doing. Can college teachers handle him?

2. There was a classmate who always liked to start compositions with onomatopoeia, for example, “Dong dong dong, a burst of drumbeats came over,” or “La la la, a burst of singing came over,” and so on. Truly, before seeing the person, you hear the sound first. Cold!!!

3. I went out riding bikes with a classmate, so-and-so. His valve core broke, so I took mine out and put it on his bike, and the two of us happily rode home together.

4. The 100-meter race at the sports meet finally began. The students dashed out like wild dogs that had broken loose from their reins.

5. The PLA uncles crawled forward one by one, like green caterpillars wriggling on the ground.

6. “I died of illness in the classroom...” “My little brother just got a shaved head, just like a little bald monk from Shaolin Temple...”

7. The Great Wall is long, so long, damn it, really long.

8. Colorful flags flutter on the sports field.
Men and women are throwing darts.
You throw one dart, I throw one dart.
Intestines and guts go flying all over the sky!

9. When I was in elementary school, essays were very often about good people doing good deeds. So people were always writing about picking up money. Then someone, wanting to exaggerate his merit, wrote that he picked up 100 million yuan in a park, all in 10-yuan bills, with a thickness about the same as one Chinese textbook (4th-grade edition). The teacher read it aloud on the spot; that student must have been freezing with embarrassment.

10. One of my own: The old lady took out four 500-yuan banknotes.

11. I had a classmate who wasn’t tall or short; he was above 1.76 meters and below 1.78 meters... “A work by one of my middle school classmates...”

12. A classic sentence that everyone has written: The weather is really nice today, the sky is clear for thousands of miles, and white clouds are floating in the sky...

13. Our elementary school teacher assigned a half-open composition topic: “My xxx,” and you could write about a person or a thing. One classmate’s title ended up being: My Comrade Qiu Shaoyun.

14. When I was little and writing diaries, the teacher required more than 200 characters. At the time we were divided into groups of four, with a group leader checking the word count. One guy in my group wrote: “Today Mom told me to go out and buy vegetables. I asked how much per jin, and the vegetable seller said 5 fen. I said: so cheap, so cheap, so cheap, so cheap...” The group leader counted and said he was still 4 characters short, so the guy added one more sentence at the end: So cheap.

15. ...My teacher is a little fat, with a big head, big eyes, a big nose, and even a big mouth.... The teacher is very kind to people. He wears a pair of photochromic glasses, just like a giant panda...

16. “A red sun shines on the morning glow... As elementary school students of the new era, we know full well that Beijing is right next to the capital...”

17. Does everyone still remember Little Tadpoles Looking for Their Mother from elementary school? The teacher had us imitate it and write an essay about our mothers... One classmate wrote it like this: My mother has a snow-white belly and bulging eyes...

18. I once peeked at a girl’s composition. The coldest line was: If I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients the way I treat a lover.

19. A sister’s little nephew made a sentence using “brand-new”: “A brand-new vegetable person was born”... (Thanks to Zhao Benshan.) True story, absolutely original.

20. I came in front of the television and turned on the television television!

21. Mine, written in middle school: “Guoqiang (a male classmate of mine) sat on the bench, and his big butt was like a pumpkin in the field; under his clothes a big JIE of underwear was showing.” The teacher read it aloud in class and even said my description was vivid. After class I got beaten up by that classmate...

22. In third grade, another teacher substituted for our class once. She told us to write an essay called A Corner of My Home. So someone wrote: A corner of my home is very beautiful, round and bright; it is a toilet bowl.

23. On a pitch-black night where you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, the tadpoles in the pond were sunbathing!

24. Diary————Day 1: Today I went to Mom’s workplace to play, and I had a great time.

Day 2: Yesterday I went to Mom’s workplace to play, and I had a great time.

Day 3: Today I again thought of the day before yesterday when I went to Mom’s workplace, and had a great time.

25. A classmate’s famous lines: Wild geese flew across the sky mianmianly; the round moon was like a curved bow.

26. The teacher told us to make a sentence with “more... more... more...” A child wrote: An’erle sanitary napkins are drier, fresher, and more reassuring.

27. Here’s a real one too, made by the deskmate I had in elementary school. The teacher asked us to make a sentence using the word “sure enough,” and my deskmate wrote: I hadn’t bathed for three months, and sure enough, my body got smelly.

28. Tonight I went for a walk with my dad, and suddenly I said to him: “Dad, I have a bad feeling about this.” As a result he gave me a huge scolding... I was really puzzled. Why is Athena allowed to say this to the Saints, but I’m not allowed to say it to my dad?

29. In elementary school I heard people say wild donkeys ran the fastest, so I compared a classmate by saying, “When he runs, he’s even faster than a wild donkey.” Later the teacher said I shouldn’t write that, and I was baffled—why not...?

30. I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems the people’s standard of living really has improved. Look at that old peasant gentleman: a refrigerator in his left hand, a television in his right, trotting along at full speed.

31. There was also an essay about the teacher, describing the teacher’s appearance. It should have been “The teacher has an oval face,” but I wrote “The teacher has a claw face.” Our Chinese teacher nearly went crazy.

32. The content of My Classmate was roughly: Once I was sick, and he came rain or shine to tutor me. That day there was pouring rain and thunder, and I thought he wouldn’t come, but he actually braved the rain and came... The next day he died of a high fever. I will always miss this good friend.

33. There was a reading-comprehension question on an elementary school Chinese exam. It was roughly about a mother who suffered greatly for her child and eventually died. After reading it, the students were asked to say a few heartfelt words to their mother on Qingming Festival a year later. One elementary school student wrote: “Wishing Mom a happy Qingming Festival, blessings as vast as the Eastern Sea, and longevity as great as the Southern Mountain!”

Tang Monk: the earliest hacker in Chinese history

As a senior staff member of a website (an arhat at Tathagata’s side), Tang Monk had very high root privileges (commanding the wind and rain, riding the clouds and mist...). For various reasons he was fired (reincarnated into the mortal world). Because the management was so thorough, Tang Monk’s account was deleted as well (Tang Monk became an ordinary person), and he could no longer exercise his special privileges. So Tang Monk was unwilling to accept this and wanted to regain root privileges. Thus he worked hard to study computer knowledge (chanting Buddha and scriptures every day), and in the end he achieved success in his studies and gained a bit of fame (becoming the imperial younger brother). By a chance opportunity, Tang Monk used a scanning tool (Guanyin) and learned that the website’s ftp port (the Western Heaven) was still running, so Tang Monk began to act (the journey to the West for scriptures). But helplessly, the sysadmin (Tathagata) was a very experienced sysadmin, the website’s security was very good, and the firewall was set up with perfect order (the 99 trials). But even that could not stump Tang Monk. Besides solid basic skills (chanting scriptures), Tang Monk knew the necessity of cooperation, so he found some former website members (Zhu Bajie, Sha Monk) and also a hacker who had once attacked that website (Sun Wukong), and formed a cooperative team. In addition, to increase the speed of attack, Tang Monk also found a hacker tool similar to a port scanner (the White Dragon Horse). And Sun Wukong also had a good tool in hand, a bomb-type tool (the Golden Cudgel), with very high destructive power. It worked quite well when attacking that website (wreaking havoc in Heaven); that tool was downloaded from www.龙宫.com. Now that website no longer provides this service (with no Golden Cudgel, how could it provide it?). Although the network speed was rather slow (the trip taking years), Tang Monk had the patience that a hacker should have, and never gave up on the attack. Although along the way, the firewall was incredibly powerful (monsters and demons appearing one after another), there were also some weaker websites that invited Comrade Tang Monk to be their sysadmin (www.女儿国.com). Of course, during this process, Tang Monk also helped some websites (such as www.乌鸡国.com) solve some problems involving hacker attacks (sysadmin privileges being stolen—the king being replaced) (he seemed to forget that he himself was also a hacker).


In the end, Tang Monk obtained the root privileges he had always dreamed of! This behavior is so similar to hacker behavior that I conclude the journey to the West for scriptures was a hacking operation, and I have to say Tang Monk was the earliest hacker in history!

IT-brand condoms, the patch will arrive shortly

One day the software industry fell into a slump, and the three giants of the software business—SUN, UNIX, and Microsoft—decided to switch to making condoms. The condoms they produced were respectively named JAVA condoms, X condoms, and MS condoms.


A customer using JAVA condoms came to SUN to complain, saying they didn’t fit right. SUN replied that they had to wait for the International Standards Organization (ISO) to formulate the corresponding standards first, and boasted that at that time the condoms they produced would fit every man. So the customer had no choice but to switch to X condoms. But he found that by the time he finished reading the instructions included with the condom, his wife had already fallen asleep, and he himself had also forgotten why he was using X condoms in the first place. In the end, he had no choice but to switch to MS condoms. To his surprise, MS condoms were very easy to use, and he happily used them continuously for several months. Then suddenly he found his wife was pregnant. Furious, he stormed off to Microsoft, and Microsoft’s reply was: the patch will arrive shortly!

MS just has too many vulnerabilities, yeah...