China DOS Union

Back then I had only just learned how to get online. I saw that someone’s avatar was blue, and I was really envious...... so I very humbly sent him a mes
sage to ask:
　　"Hello, may I ask how I can make my own name turn blue?"
　　Sure enough, he was an expert. The reply came back very quickly, and it wasn’t short either: "Sorry, the owner isn’t here, I’m her QQ. Whatever it is, just tell me......"
　　He instantly became my idol. Even the QQ he used was that amazing, able to chat on behalf of its owner...... so I replied even more humbly:
　　"What a great QQ. Can you tell me how your owner made her name turn blue?"
　　The message came back quickly again: "Sorry, the owner isn’t here, I’m her QQ. Whatever it is, just tell me......"
　　Damn it, I’d already said it twice and it was still asking me, so I got mad and cursed it:
　　"Damn, you perverted QQ, I already said it, how do I make my name turn blue!!!!"
　　The message from over there was still: "Sorry, the owner isn’t here, I’m her QQ. Whatever it is, just tell me......"
　　.............
　　An hour later, I learned that was called auto-reply!

　　Actually that only counts as a relatively mild kind of perversion. Once I sent a message to a girl on QQ: "Hello!" She replied very quickly:
　　"This is the auto-reply center. Please enter 1, 2, 3, or 4 according to your gender. 1 = handsome guy, 2 = cricket guy, 3 = ugly guy, 4 = dinosaur!"
　　Playing auto-reply games with me? You must have a death wish. It was like showing off axe skills in front of Lu Ban, flaunting tricks before the master. I immediately sent back:
　　"Damn, playing auto-reply with me!!!"
　　Another message came over:
　　"Sorry, your input is incorrect. The system cannot recognize it. Please enter 1, 2, 3, or 4 according to your gender. 1 = handsome guy, 2 = cricket guy, 3 = ugly guy, 4 = dinosaur!"
　　Oh, this was getting interesting. I carefully typed: "1", then waited to see what would happen.
　　The message came:
　　"You entered 1. Please continue by entering 5 or 6. 5 = already has a girlfriend, 6 = does not yet have a girlfriend."
　　Still going? I thought, I can’t let Xiaoxiao down by saying one thing to her face and another behind her back, so I honestly entered "5".
　　The last message I received was:
　　"You idiot, you already have a girlfriend and you’re still trying to pick up girls online. Blocking your messages."
　　Later I learned that was called quick reply, something set up in advance in the system settings.

　　There was another one that belonged to the stupid kind of perversion.
　　She and I both stayed up until four or five in the morning every night. The long late-night hours were inevitably boring, so I sent her a message:
　　"Beauty, what are you doing?"
　　The words in the reply she sent back were in the largest font size and colored red:
　　"Can’t see it, make your text bigger."

　　Nearsighted? Fine, I adjusted it, I made it as big as possible:
　　"Can’t you see it?"
　　Her text was still that huge:
　　"Yeah, I’m lying in bed, a bit far from the computer."
　　"Oh, so that’s it. Then why are you using such huge text when talking to me too? It’s hard on the eyes!"
　　That perverted girl answered me:
　　"I thought you were the same as me......"
　　God, save me......

There was an even more perverted newbie hacker who kept sending data packets at me.
　　Half an hour later, just to see whether he had bombed me offline, he added me on QQ. After I approved him, the first thing he said was:
　　"How are you still online?"
　　I was completely baffled:
　　"Why shouldn’t I be online?"
　　He said:
　　"I bombed you for so long. Even if your system didn’t crash, you should at least have been disconnected."
　　"Oh, so you mean I got bombed by you, and even though you failed, I’m still supposed to cooperate and act the part?"
　　He excitedly said to me:
　　"Yeah, yeah, big brother, let me satisfy my vanity a little."
　　To satisfy his vanity, I sent him one word:
　　"Ah～～～～～～～"
　　Then I went offline.
　　Then after that I opened a famous attack tool and started PINGing him based on his IP.
　　Then after that, he told me I had crashed his system, and he decided to follow me and learn from me.
　　Then after that, I found out she was actually a girl, named Xiaoxiao, and now she’s my girlfriend. Our favorite line to say to each other is:
　　"You’re so perverted-perverted."

　　There was an MM who seemed like a newbie. The first time we chatted, she was especially excited and wanted to tell me almost everything.
　　What was especially annoying was that she made herself a cup of coffee and even came to ask me where to put it.
　　"My coffee has nowhere to go."
　　"Put it on the table!" Depressing. I was busy.
　　"But there are books on the table."
　　You need to tell me that too?
　　"Then move the books away."
　　I really was busy.
　　"But I don’t know where to move my books to!"
　　Was she online at my house or hers?
　　"Put them on the bed, can’t you?"
　　I swear, I really was extremely busy.
　　"But if I put them on the bed, the bedsheet will get dirty～"
　　I refused to answer. I just sent her a trojan, then popped open her CD-ROM tray and told her:
　　"See the CD-ROM tray on your case? Yes, that round thing for putting discs in. Just put the coffee there!"
　　At last the world became quiet again......

　　One day I had QQ open while reading novels online....... then I heard knocking.....
　　I opened it and saw a GG trying to add me. I’m kind of lustful, and I never add males as friends on QQ, so I refused without hesitation.
　　Knocking again.....
　　I opened it and it was still that GG, only now there was an extra string of fifteen digits. I still refused without hesitation.
　　More knocking...... still that same GG, still that same string of fifteen digits, still the same immediate refusal....
　　…………After this loop happened five times, I finally lost my patience and just added him. Unexpectedly, his first sentence was:
　　"You pervert, one identity verification made me enter my ID card number five times before I got through........"
　　ID card number? Me, a pervert?

　　Besides auto-replies, some people’s personal descriptions on QQ are perverted too.
　　One personal description went like this:
　　"Lalalalalalalalala"
　　I didn’t know what she wanted to “la,” and I didn’t have time to think about it, because after reading it the only place I wanted to go was the toilet.
　　Another one:
　　"Because I loved, I was hurt; because I was hurt, I was afraid; because I was afraid, I died; because I died, I lived; because I lived, I loved……"
　　Could I not feel depressed reading that? Reading it was like reading nothing at all.
　　Sometimes spring can make people perverted too. This one was obviously in heat:
　　"Don’t ask who I am, just fall in love with me!"
　　There’s one called Chouchouer who’s pretty cheap, so cheap it feels perverted. His number is ５９１０２５, and his personal description is:
　　"My number is nice, 'I (5) just (9) want (1) you (0) to love (2) me (5)' come hack me :）"
　　Everybody, don’t spare me any face, go hack him!
　　And here’s another super-perverted one:
　　"I don’t do online romance, don’t send Email, don’t go to forums, don’t chat, don’t talk, don’t come looking for me!"
　　Damn, if you don’t do any of that, then what did you even apply for an account for?

I’ve seen some really perverted online names.
　　I call them perverted because the name doesn’t match the reality. There’s a saying: behind the Internet, nobody knows whether you’re a person or a dog.
　　In OICQ I saw a name: "So handsome I want to kill myself."
　　That handsome? Suspiciousing......
　　Following the profile he registered with, I found his homepage, found his photo album, and saw his photo……
　　I truly didn’t mean to insult anyone. It’s just that the photo really hurt me: not even 1.65 meters tall, face covered in pimples…… In one photo he was smiling, but I couldn’t find his eyes........
　　There was another one called "Beautiful Little Princess." She was from my area. I saw the name she registered with, and she was much more honest than that handsome guy who wanted to kill himself. She really was very beautiful. Aside from having a slightly big mouth, a slightly flat nose, and a bit too much facial hair, she had no flaws. She was also very small. Although she weighed 70 kilograms, she was only 1.5 meters tall, so that still counts as small……
　　From the above two examples we can draw a conclusion: online names are inversely proportional to reality.
　　For example, someone as handsome as me, enough to want to kill myself, chose the name "Chouchouer."

　　Once a bird asked me on QQ how she could steal someone else’s QQ number.
　　For questions like that I generally don’t answer, but considering this bird was female, I very reluctantly typed １
４５６２２５０ words for her, from the basic principles of intlnet to the IP protocol to the OICQ port protocol to analysis of QQ killer code. Just a little, very simple, just a rough explanation for her.
　　I know what I said wasn’t enough, but it couldn’t be helped. Who told me to have so many MMs online on my QQ......（sweat!）
　　As expected, the bird didn’t understand, and sent back a message:
　　"Are there any other methods? I don’t really understand what you said!"

　　Hmm, pretty demanding. Looks like I’d have to use my ultimate move. Before using it, I had to confirm something first:
　　"I can tell you the three most effective methods. At present, no antivirus software can kill them, but you have to promise not to use these three methods to do bad things."
　　The bird was indeed excited. The reply came back super fast:
　　"I promise, I promise!"
　　Sigh, young people these days…… I let out a long sigh and typed out, one character at a time, the following three methods for stealing QQ numbers:
　　１：Stand behind the other person and watch them type the password.
　　２：Hold a kitchen knife to the other person’s neck and force them to say the password.
　　３：Buy Tencent. Then whatever number you want, you can have.
　　
　　I was a room admin in a QQ chatroom. My main duty was to stretch my legs in the chatroom and kick people out and so on.
　　I admit I’m a perverted person, so even the way I kicked people was perverted. It was often just a biu～ sound, and then the entire chatroom was left with only me, singing loudly among the dinosaurs’ names: I smile among the flowers, the flowers sway for me.......
　　But I also had moments when I wasn’t perverted, and that was when I ran into people even more perverted than me, like the following flirting pair:
　　After countless sweet words.......
　　GG: "You should know by now how important you are in my heart, right!"
　　MM: "I don’t know呀～～～"
　　GG: "I’m gonna faint, you still don’t know? I don’t say so much to other people, I only said that much to you……"
　　MM: "But isn’t it all the same呀～～～"
　　GG: "It’s really not the same. At the very least, your position in my heart is different from theirs."
　　MM: "How is it different呢？"
　　GG: "In my eyes, they’re just a lump of shit!"
　　MM: "How annoying, how can you say that about them? Then what am I?"
　　GG: "You’re two lumps of shit!"
　　MM: "@#%^%$#***(%$%#&Y&$#(*"
　　The time had come to protect the flower. I lifted the hem of my trench coat and delivered a beautiful invisible kick....... and the whole chatroom was left with only me comforting that crying MM......

　　Still in the chatroom.......
　　Because a lot of people had been scared by my perverted kicking technique, usually wherever I went there was practically nobody left, hehe, so I went in under different names.......
　　I saw a self-created chatroom named "My Home Is by the Sea." I checked the info, saw it was opened by an MM, so I changed to the ID "I Think I Am the Sea" and went in......
　　Unexpectedly, every man in the world wanted to be neighbors with that MM just like I did. The moment I entered, I saw several IDs just as perverted as mine:
　　"I Am the Sea," "I Must Be the Sea," "I’m the Genuine Sea"……
　　Good grief, they were already the sea, definitely the sea, the genuine sea, while I was only thinking about being the sea. How was I supposed to compete with that? So I changed my name again:
　　"They’re all the Dead Sea, I’m the Living Sea."
　　I went in again, and they all ran off. Three minutes later they all came back, and all their names had changed too:
　　"I’m the Only Sea," "I’m the Sea of This World," "No Sea Better Than Me"……
　　I was thinking, with so many Dragon Kings unemployed, how should they all be resettled......

There’s a dialogue about a child herding cattle:
　　"What are you doing?"
　　"Herding cattle."
　　"What are you herding cattle for?"
　　"To make money."
　　"What are you making money for?"
　　"To get a wife."
　　"What are you getting a wife for?"
　　"To have kids."
　　"What are you having kids for?"
　　"To herd cattle."
　　And there’s another dialogue about a child going online:
　　"What are you doing?"
　　"Going online."
　　"What are you going online for?"
　　"Downloading software!"
　　"What are you downloading software for?"
　　"System optimization."
　　"What are you optimizing the system for?"
　　"To go online more conveniently and download faster!"
　　A great man once said history often has astonishing coincidences!

　　If you walk by the river often enough, sooner or later your shoes will get wet. Even my QQ number ended up getting hacked.......
　　That day, right after I got online, I discovered my QQ password was suddenly always incorrect. When I went to the password protection page to retrieve it, I was told I had answered the password protection question wrong....... depressing as hell.
　　Depressing or not, I still had to get the number back. That account was connected to several hundred MMs. Maybe my lifelong happiness depended on one of those several hundred MMs.
　　Searching for proxy servers, downloading online password cracking software, setting up a password dictionary...... I knew the drill well. In ten minutes all the prep work was done, then I clicked start......
　　No password among all four- to eight-digit numeric combinations.
　　No password among all four- to eight-character English letter combinations.
　　Still no password among all four- to eight-character combinations of numbers plus English letters.
　　I was done for. I sat there blankly in front of the computer in despair. If he had set the password as special symbols plus letters plus numbers, then my probability of calculating it would be one in １０ to the １２２nd power. With that much time and effort, I could have won the lottery several times......
　　In the end I still got the password back. That perverted guy who stole my number had actually set the password to just one digit, and it was "１". When I had a friend help me crack it, he only used two seconds, because he started testing from 1……

　　An MM’s QQ password got hacked, and after saying countless sweet things to me, I agreed to help her hack it back...
　　Three days later I emailed her the new password, and I even specifically emphasized that she had to distinguish uppercase and lowercase.
　　Originally I thought everything was fine, but the next day I got an email from her......
　　She asked me:
　　"You said one character in the new password is an uppercase M and one is a lowercase m, but should the four digits after that be uppercase or lowercase?"
　　In the end I decided never to do this kind of thing again........
　　Unless one day I learn what the difference is between uppercase digits and lowercase digits!
There are so many people on forums, every kind of name will appear.....
　　An MM just said one sentence in a reply: "No way, did I just see a ghost～～"
　　A user with the screen name "Ghost" immediately replied:
　　"Stop talking nonsense. When did you see me?"
　　You can imagine that MM’s mood:
　　"What’s going on, this is weird～～"
　　Less than three seconds later, a user with the screen name "Weird" appeared right on cue and replied:
　　"You’re asking me? I don’t know either..."
　　I believe that MM was about to go crazy:
　　"Heavens, I don’t want to live anymore～"
　　As soon as the words fell, a user named "Heavens" rushed in:
　　"Baby, were you calling me? And why don’t you want to live anymore?"
　　The MM had probably started to despair:
　　"Please let me go, I’ll never come again～～"
　　But nobody was going to let her go. A user named "I’ll Never Again" appeared at just the right time:
　　"I’m here, so let her go～～"
　　I don’t know how this nightmare-like game finally ended. I only know that after that I never again dared to talk carelessly on forums.............

Do you know what a signature is?
　　Yeah, that’s right, the stuff the system automatically adds for you after you make a post or reply, the things you only need to set once and can keep for life.
　　A famous person once said that by looking at someone’s signature, you can tell whether they’re perverted. That line is truly classic, absolutely correct!
　　Using a line of poetry as your signature is called poetic, using a cartoon as your signature is called childlike, using a rose as your signature is called romantic......... then what is it called if your signature is a steaming pile of crap?
　　That doesn’t even count as perverted. Once I made a picture of Dong Cunrui blowing up a bunker, with one line on top saying "Blow up the poster above" and another line below saying "Blow up the poster below"……
　　I only used that signature once, because it aroused public fury, and a chat admin called Haitian banned my ID.......
　　Someone else was much smarter than me. He changed the picture I used and made it his signature.... Dong Cunrui was still Dong Cunrui, blowing up the bunker was still blowing up the bunker, only the text was changed, and not by much. He just changed "Blow up the poster below" to "I’ve already blown up the poster above, poster below, charge!……"
　　What I can’t understand is why the admin didn’t ban his ID that time. I suspect he was the admin’s brother-in-law!

　　There was a forum admin who had probably just started learning JAVA......　
　　Every time I logged in, I would see this welcome line:
　　"Welcome, my friend, you are the ００００１st visitor since March 1998!"
　　Hmm, this forum had been lonely for five years～～
　　And that wasn’t all. When I left, I saw this farewell line too:
　　"Goodbye my friend, it is now midnight on March 1, 2998. Have a good dream～～"
　　One second on the website, a thousand years in the world....

　　Forums are interesting, right? You can read good writing by other people, speak your mind and get comfort, get to know lots of friends....... this way, that way, any way works.
　　You can even become perverted like me. Of course, what I’m talking about now isn’t my own perversion, but telling you that even if you don’t know me, you’ll still become perverted too. Don’t ask me why. Does perversion need a reason? It doesn’t? Does it?...
　　First think back: who was it that told you OICQ was the pinyin abbreviation for "I Love Chongqing"? If you still think that, the boss of Tencent will move the company to Chongqing and make you pay all the costs. I’m not trying to scare you.
　　Then think again: who was it that told you BBS means the abbreviation of "bay　bay　school"? Once you remember, tell your dear mom and dad so they can take a kitchen knife and chop that person up first.
　　I know you like pretty girls or handsome guys, but that doesn’t mean the moment you see them you should rush over wanting to PAGE them!
　　A movie theater is not a forum. You can’t enter it using GUEST, you still have to buy a ticket啊～
　　...........
　　I strongly suggest that for the sake of protecting the physical and mental health of children and teenagers, all forums should be shut down for one year of rectification.

　　I saw an extremely perverted one on a forum.
　　A user made a post, basically an obituary, informing everyone that a certain user had died in a traffic accident and asking people to attend the memorial service at a certain time and place. Two people actually replied like this:
　　"Mm, feeling sad……" The opening was okay at least. It was an MM.
　　"MM above, don’t be sad, come here, GG will give you a hug." Comforting an MM? Still barely tolerable.
　　"Oh stop it, don’t go taking advantage of me." Things started getting out of hand……
　　"It’s not like I haven’t done it before. So when are we going to the marriage hall to get married?" Fainted N times. The original post was notifying people of a user’s death, and these two were discussing marriage in the thread.
　　And that still wasn’t all. The even more perverted part came next, in the MM’s reply:
　　"I’ve already given you my whole self, why do you still care about formalities?"
　　Who can lend me a kitchen knife so I can chop up this adulterous couple!

　　A user reposted a thread on a forum whose main content criticized the African ritual of female circumcision.
　　Many female users joined the discussion one after another.....
　　At some point a male user wandered in and replied:
　　"If girls aren’t born in Africa then they’re fine, but men in every country in the world have circumcision too～～～"
　　His fate can be easily imagined. According to incomplete statistics, there were over 3,847 people who repeated the word "pervert" at him ten times each.....

April 1 is April Fools’ Day.
　　There was one forum where from the admin to the moderators to the ordinary users, everybody had a perversion outbreak on that day.
　　First was the admin. At exactly noon, he suddenly replaced the forum’s current post data with backup data from three days earlier...... all the users discovered that the date had suddenly gone back three days, and every post made during those three days was gone.......

　　Then the admin posted an announcement declaring that because the database had been damaged, all the posts from those three days had been lost, apologizing to the people and to the Party and offering everybody his sincere apologies and so on……
　　As a result, hundreds of people ran to the site affairs board to scold the admin, including all the forum’s moderators. A few hundred posts instantly flooded the whole board........
　　At two in the afternoon, the admin posted another announcement, declaring:
　　"Today is April Fools’ Day. The last two hours were just a joke. All forum posts are intact and unharmed, please don’t worry. The database will be restored in ten minutes!"
　　Everybody let out a sigh of relief and went back to whatever they were doing....... but after the database was restored ten minutes later, some people started getting nervous again,
　　because the admin posted another announcement:
　　"In view of the performance of certain moderators during these two hours, in one hour I will remove some moderators from their positions, and promote users who continued to support the forum during these two hours to administrator and moderator posts!"

　　That above was about the admin’s perversion. The moderators’ and ordinary users’ perversions were even more numerous, too lazy to type them all out, so I’ll pick a few classic ones:
　　In a single day, the site affairs board got more than two hundred posts applying to become moderators, but all the boards they applied for didn’t even exist. The most perverted was someone called Fengjiu, who was already a moderator but still applied to moderate a board called "Today Is April Fools’ Day"!
　　An MM posted a love letter in the computer board. It wasn’t to me and it wasn’t to a GG, it was to an MM.......
　　A moderator made a post in a sticky thread with the title "Everyone Come In and Read This", but the content of the post was only one sentence:
　　"You came in and I still won’t let you read it, you perverted-perverted thing!"
　　An MM sent me a message with the subject "Do You Know My Heart?" I got all excited and quickly opened the message......
. Inside was a compressed file. I downloaded it and extracted it....... inside was another compressed file....... extracted that too........ inside was another compressed file..... extracted that too....... inside was another compressed file..... after forty-one times, I finally saw an image inside...... a little pig, cutely wagging its tail......
　　Beside it was a line:
　　"Pig, happy holiday!"

　　Some perverted people never read threads carefully!
　　Feixue Duqiao wrote one called "Falling in Love with Bandit Chicken." The story was about a woman falling in love with a man, and she gave this man the nickname Bandit Chicken. In the end the two of them happily fell in love……
　　Fine, the story was posted, and the perverted replies appeared too:
　　"I know the dish Bandit Chicken, it’s very famous. The restaurant next to my house serves it." Feixue Duqiao, were you telling a love story or teaching people how to cook?
　　"Chickens raised by bandits would definitely have a bit of wildness, and the meat would taste even better. I like eating it too……" Truly worthy of being a gourmet!!
　　"Didn’t read the content, but if you love it then I love it too!" I collapse. A FAN of Feixue Duqiao?
　　So let me advise all writers: when making a post, pay attention to the title and the content of the article……

　　Every forum has a board specially for users to vent or chatter....... not everyone in this world can write articles as well as I can, so when people are upset they often just say it in one or two sentences.
　　If someone speaks of their sad troubles, surely someone will comfort them, but some words of comfort are simply....... perverted!
　　Post:
　　"55555～～ I lost my job, suffering……"
　　Reply:
　　"Damn, you only lost your job? Look at me, I lost my job and my virginity, and I don’t care at all!"
　　Post:
　　"My wife left me, I don’t want to live anymore!"
　　Reply:
　　"Your wife only left you? You’re lucky enough already. My wife not only left me, she also left me three daughters～～"

　　Post:
　　"Yesterday I missed the lottery jackpot by just one digit, 5 million啊……"
　　Reply:
　　"You only missed by one digit. I already won 5 million and then had it stolen......."
　　If your 5 million got stolen, why aren’t you going to the police, and instead you’re coming online?

　　On a forum I saw someone replying in pinyin. Apparently there was a problem with his input method and he couldn’t type Chinese characters, so I replied under his post:
　　"How pitiful, you can’t even use Chinese anymore～～～"
　　I really didn’t mean to mock him, nor was I trying to say he was perverted or anything.......
　　But then, under my reply, I actually saw another reply from him:
　　"shuia,name kelian,lian zhongwen dou bunengyong le~"　（Pinyin. Translated, it means: Who is it, so pitiful, can’t even use Chinese anymore～）
　　Burst out laughing, and then he followed that up with another classic quote:
　　"I’m talking about you, you perverted-perverted thing!"　

I saw a Help post in a computer board.
　　Title: "Who can help me～～～"
　　Content: "When I’m installing the system it says press any key to continue, but I can’t find where the Any key is. Which expert can teach me.........."
　　This kid doesn’t even count as perverted yet. He couldn’t find where the Any key was, yet still knew how to go to an Internet café and post for Help～

　　An MM posted a personal ad on the board, and wrote this in her self-introduction:
　　"My name is Beijing Baby, I’m 21, I am a miss........"
　　There were countless replies below, all in the same tone:
　　"We all serve the people. Being a miss counts too......"
　　"No profession is high or low. Misses are people too........."
　　"Thank you for trusting us. We won’t look down on you......"
　　Only later did we learn that the MM had originally meant to write "I’m a girl," but for a moment she forgot how to type the character for "girl"!

　　On Valentine’s Day......
　　On a lot of romance boards I saw a user called "I’m Most Faithful" posting love letters to MMs..... It’s not that sending love letters was wrong, it’s just that he sent them to a lot of different MMs....
　　And it’s not even that sending them to many MMs was wrong, it’s just that in the love letters to different MMs, every single one included this sentence:
　　"You are my only one......"
　　……………………
　　He really was very faithful. He didn’t even bother using different lines!

　　I was an administrator on a forum, and one day while wandering around I received a private message:
　　"Hello, I’d like to ask where the relationship board is on this forum?"
　　Hmm, that question........... I copied the names and board descriptions of all the relationship-related boards and sent them to her, and at the end I even added:
　　"You can look around first, and if you still have questions, come find me again!"
　　And there really was another question. Not even two minutes later another private message came over, still from her:
　　"I can’t understand what you sent. I just want to know where I can find the husband I like who likes online romance!"
　　"@#%&&^%$#(&%#^............"

　　Once I used the forum’s private messaging function to talk with a user making a complaint:
　　"Hello, I want to complain about a moderator!"
　　"Mm, okay, what do you want to complain about?"
　　"I want to complain that he casually deleted my post!"
　　"Okay, please send me the board name, the moderator’s name, and the title of the post that was deleted by private message!"
　　After a little while........
　　"Are you there?"
　　"I’m here!"
　　"I want to ask you something... how do I send a private message?"
　　Nearly fainting.............

There are many writerly sentences in posts that aren’t just ordinarily perverted:
　　１：My dad shaved his head bald, just like an old bald donkey in a Shaolin room……
　　２：Look at the drill field, the PLA soldiers crawling forward are like giant green caterpillars wriggling on the ground……（Can’t do that anymore in the future. The books say PLA uncles are the loveliest people!）
　　３：I looked at the instructions. On them it said: For indoor and outdoor use only……（Sorry to interrupt, but can any of you tell me what space exists besides indoors and outdoors?）
　　４：I walked to the computer and turned on the computer computer……（Where’s the remote control?）
　　５：Standing in front of Xiaoqian’s grave, I silently gave her my blessing, wishing that every year she would become prettier than the year before……（A female ghost啊～～～）

　　６：The weather in Beijing is really good. It only rained twice in one week, once for three days, and the other time only for four days……（My mother told me a week has eight days. The weather that day was pretty good.......）
　　There are countless more. I’m afraid that if I remember too many, I’ll become perverted too, so I’m going to rest a little for now.

　　One day while wandering around, I saw a thread titled "Reward １０００".
　　Since I’m the kind of person whose eyes light up at money, my blood boiled and I rushed right in..........
　　The content was as follows:
　　"Yesterday a netizen reported that I plagiarize articles everywhere and even submit them to newspapers, each article to more than ten places. For the sake of my personal reputation, I now solemnly declare that yes, I have plagiarized, and yes, I have submitted to newspapers, but I definitely have not submitted one manuscript to many publications. At most it was only three places. Whoever can prove that I plagiarized other people’s articles and submitted them to four newspapers, I will reward him with １０００ yuan.........."
　　I really couldn’t keep reading. Damn, plagiarizing and still sounding this self-righteous—is there any justice left in this world............

Xiling Xue is a well-known female writer, and she and I were administrators on the same forum.
　　I sent Xiling Xue a private message:
　　"Yesterday I saw a thread on another forum, and the content was exactly the same as yours....."
　　Xiling Xue tossed back one sentence:
　　"That was copied from me........"
　　Sometimes teasing a beauty is pretty fun too:
　　"But his posting time was earlier than yours...."
　　Xiling Xue reacted exactly as I expected:
　　"You mean to say I’m the one who copied? Chouchouer, let me tell you, familiar or not, if you talk nonsense I’ll still sue you for defamation!"
　　People always say I’m eloquent........ so I sent her another private message:
　　"According to piracy rules, the genuine version usually hits the market later……"
　　Now I understand what "a radiant smile" means.

　　I saw someone post a poem and mark it "Original"......
　　Mm, it was written pretty well, but it looked kind of familiar..... it was Wang Guozhen’s!
　　So I replied:
　　"I’m not trying to be mean, but this is really too low-grade. If you’re going to copy, at least copy someone like Haizi. How can you copy Wang Guozhen? Go on, copy a Dante poem and post that instead!"
　　And I actually got to see his reply:
　　"Who is Dante?"
　　Damn!

　　The perverted ones aren’t necessarily the people reading posts. A lot of the people posting are a little perverted too.
　　I saw a forum post with the title "Tonight, My Blood Flows for You." Naturally I got excited at once, clicked my mouse, and eagerly rushed in....... after reading it, there was nothing much to it. It was mainly about a girl going on a date with a man, accidentally falling down, and scraping a little skin off her foot.
　　I also saw a post called "My Confession of a One-Night Stand." I thought, this time you can’t get away from me, hehe, let me see, let me see, let me really see........ still not much to it. One night was one night, and there was some feeling too, but all they did was cover themselves with a quilt and such, they didn’t even take off their clothes, damn!
　　Now I’m used to it, invulnerable, lightning-fast in my reactions. The moment I see "I’m Wet Again" I know there’s definitely a perfectly proper and completely flavorless poem inside. The moment I see "If You Love Me, Give Me" I am 100% sure that what’s being given absolutely is not the body, just fountain pens, little knives, or other school supplies. As for "My First Time"....... huh? Why does that title look so familiar?
　　Oh, right, that was a writing contest run by the forum.

　　Actually sometimes writers aren’t just a little perverted, they’re very perverted.
　　While doing literature, they also say things like this in their posts:
　　One writer who had set foot on the literary road kept a dog, and because he dealt with literature, he gave that dog the name:
　　"Literature."
　　Another writer who could never get onto the literary road also had a dog. Because he was depressed about not making it onto the literary road, he named his dog
　　"Idiot."
　　One day the two writers ran into each other on the road while walking their little dogs, and since they were both writers, they started chatting.
　　Chatting and chatting, chatting and chatting, until halfway through they heard some very strange noises from the two dogs, so they stopped talking and looked to see what the dogs were doing.
　　After watching for a while, one writer said: Never mind, let’s keep talking. It’s just Idiot screwing Literature.
　　Did you hear that? Never mind, let’s keep talking. It’s just Idiot screwing Literature……

　　You really shouldn’t spend too much time online. Forums can teach you a lot, but they can also turn you into the same kind of pervert I am.
　　If someone curses you out, how would you answer?
　　Perverted people are happy, though admittedly a little shameless, specifically as shown in the following dialogue:
　　"Chouchouer, you beast……（omitted １２３３２１ characters）"
　　"Beasts still have a tiny bit of compassion. Regretfully, I don’t have even a tiny bit, so I’m not a beast!"
　　"Chouchouer, you really aren’t human……（omitted １４６８５２ characters）"
　　"That part you actually got right. I really am not human. I’m a god, the Water God, the god of chatter-posting!!"
　　..............
　　Looks like you’ve learned two more tricks from me, but I’m not stingy. You’re welcome to become as perverted as I am!

You can also learn a lot of ways to curse people online. Of course, I’m a refined person, I never curse people with low-class words like "damn your mother."
　　If I’m going to curse, I curse in a lofty, meaningful way.......
　　For example, me—I’m a high-level pervert, so the things I say when insulting people are generally lofty and meaningful.
　　"Wow, MM, the moment I saw your photo I got drunk......." Do you know what that means? Think about it—what usually happens after someone gets drunk? Right, after getting drunk they usually throw up, so what that sentence means is:
　　"Wow, what a dinosaur. The moment I saw your photo I threw up......."（Solemn declaration: any MM to whom I have ever said this, please block this paragraph）
　　There’s another one that’s even harder.
　　"You really are the only angel in this world." Think and think and think and still can’t figure it out, right? Let me give you a hint: what is the only mammal in this world that can fly in the sky? Still can’t figure it out? LOOK: bat......
　　Now do you get it??
　　You must not have the intention to harm others, but you must be on guard against others～～～

　　I don’t know exactly how many characters this "Some of the Most Perverted Little Details of the Internet Age" has. I vaguely remembered that Feixue Duqiao knew how to calculate it, so I sent him a message:
　　"How do you count how many characters are in an article?"
　　I admit Feixue Duqiao was very enthusiastic. He immediately replied and told me:
　　"Use ＷＯＯＤ, it has a counting function!"
　　But I didn’t have it installed, so I kept asking him:
　　"I’m dying here, what do I do if I don’t have it installed?"
　　Feixue Duqiao really was a warmhearted good person. His answer was quick and accurate:
　　"Then count them one by one. If you count wrong, start over and count again until you get it right!"
　　To thank him for his enthusiasm, I sent him a message:
　　"You perverted-perverted thing!!!"

^_^ Master Rushi, are you in there too!

Haha... guess so!