China DOS Union

Essay topic: The Person I Like Most

Author: Huang Xiaoyang, Class 1A

　　Teacher, basically, the topic you gave us is making me a little troubled.
　　Why?
　　Because there are a lot of people I like. One of the people I like is the little girl next door who smiles at me when she sees me in the morning. Even though I think I’m very handsome, compared with me she’s too young, so although I think she’s very cute, I still prefer mature, beautiful women with hair permed into big wavy curls.

　　As for figure, of course it has to be of international first-class standard: breasts should be breasts, waist should be waist, butt should be butt. As for feet, basically, I don’t ask for much, as long as the skin is soft and delicate, the lines are graceful, and full of dynamic beauty, that’s enough. Compared with my dad, that perfectionist, I think my requirements are much simpler. Of course, I still haven’t found a woman who meets all those conditions, so for now I can only make do with Xu Shishi from Class D. Sigh, I think I’m the kind of man who’d rather have too many than too few. You can tell just by looking at my dad. As for his current partner... sigh, better just shake my head!

　　Every day after coming home, that person keeps my dad under strict control. He’s not allowed to smoke at home, not allowed to listen to the phone while taking a bath, not allowed to still be handling official business after twelve o’clock. Now if Dad has to work overtime, he even has to call home first. Not only that, he’s also required to come home early on family members’ birthdays. Mm, this part I quite like, because ever since Mom died, I haven’t celebrated a birthday together with Dad anymore. Not just birthdays—anything connected with xx day or xx festival, I would never see Dad around, so I usually went to classmates’ homes to celebrate my birthday. And now I get to see Dad every day, which is actually a little moving. Back then, there was a time when I wouldn’t see him more than a few times a month. If I needed money I’d go find the ATM, and if I wanted to buy something I’d use the supplementary credit card. At that time I almost thought I could survive in this world all by myself.

　　Mm, I’ve gone off topic. Teacher, you won’t deduct points for that, right? I wrote your composition very seriously! If you deduct points just because I went off topic, that’s too unreasonable. I’m sure you won’t deduct points! Please don’t let down the trust I’ve placed in you.

　　Next, another person I like is Hao-ge, who sits beside me. You must be very puzzled—why do I call someone the same age as me “ge”? Actually, the reason is simple, because he’s the person I admire.

　　One time, some sixth-graders had it in for me. They said that every time they saw me, they’d beat me up. After Hao-ge found out, he went and beat up that group of sixth-graders, and even told them they weren’t allowed to touch anyone from his class. Ha! From that time on, I started super-admiring Hao-ge. Even though he’s very dumb, and in math and science he’s always not far from zero, his Chinese has already reached the level where he can take the exam without even going to class, since he has a pair of literary parents. I once suggested to Hao-ge that I could cover for him in math and science, but he rejected me very fiercely. He said a person has to be upright and honorable and must not do things that go against his own conscience. Does cheating go against your conscience? People who never cheat are the ones without a childhood!

　　He’ll regret it when he grows up. When everyone is talking about the embarrassing things they did cheating when they were little, he’ll be the only one solemnly saying, “I have never cheated!” I think at that instant, everyone will definitely have those three black Maruko-style effect lines appear, and then an autumn wind will start blowing and carry off a maple leaf. But even so, I still like Hao-ge. I’ll cover for him in those parts of the world his righteous brain has no way to understand.

　　The third person I like is my dad. But this guy—I think it’s hard to actually say why I like him, so I’ll use the opposite way of telling it: prove liking by talking about not liking. My dad is a disgusting man. He takes off his smelly socks after work and puts them over other people’s heads and forces them to smell them. Before, he also liked to sing “Xue Zhong Hong” while showering in the bathroom. If his singing could be called pleasant, then scratching a blackboard with fingernails would be called heavenly music. He also likes giving people weird things, the kind that makes you feel embarrassed when you receive them. For example, on my last birthday he gave me a pig doll that, when you press it, poop pops out, and it made me feel awkward right there on the spot. My dad really has a lot of weird deeds. If I had to write them one by one, I think even if I used up all the composition books in the whole class I still wouldn’t be able to finish writing out his great achievements, so I’d better skip the part about my dad.

　　There’s one more person I like. That person is my dad’s new flame, the one devoted to “reforming” the foul habits of my family. (He himself called them foul habits. I think they’re more like a family characteristic.) That person is someone my dad only got by shamelessly pestering him. Basically, his personality is a bit bad. Usually whatever he says goes, and he doesn’t allow other people to object. Even my pleasures in life—watching TV, sleeping big lazy sleeps—have been taken away by him. He doesn’t allow me to watch TV as soon as I get home, and he also says I can’t go to sleep at seven after finishing cartoons; I have to go to bed on time at nine. And everyone, when coming home, has to say “I’m back.” He’s turned my home into Germany or something, super orderly.

　　But he’s also the kind of guy who makes people both love and hate him. Taken as a whole, he’s actually not bad. Still, I really can’t understand how Dad ended up liking him. He’s fierce, strict, has no figure at all, and feels like some abstinence-practicing religious person. But on the matter of figure, sigh, really... Back then I was still fantasizing about what kind of new flame Dad would bring home. With Dad’s taste and qualifications, it had to be some super beauty with blonde big waves, a red tight dress, and thin high heels. Who would have thought... life really is full of unpredictability, plans can never keep up with change. Sigh, Dad actually brought back someone wearing an ordinary T-shirt, jeans washed pale, and white sneakers, a guy who looked completely unrelated to my dream.

　　Sigh, the bell rang, so I’d better stop writing here. Anyway, I’ve already written almost all the people I like. If I keep going, it’ll be people like Xiao Bai, Xiao Hua, passersby A, and so on, so I’ll stop here.

Teacher’s comments:
1. Having a little girl you admire is a good thing, but you still need to pay attention to your studies.
2. Cheating and childhood have no direct relationship. Please do not equate your childhood with cheating.
3. Your way of referring to your father is too colloquial. Please use “father” or “dad.”
4. I just like dressing this way! Sorry for shattering your dream!

Note:

How many times have I told you, you are not allowed to write about me in your composition book!
If you do this again next time, I’ll make you write homework till you die!

Second note:
If next time, while eating breakfast, you look at my back while I’m making breakfast and say, “Sigh! What a pity it’s a man! No breasts, no waist, and no butt,” just try it. You’d better watch out, or I’ll make you eat burnt eggs every day!

Third note:
Where did you learn a word like abstinence faction from?!
Was it your dad who taught you?!
He’s asking for death!

What a mess!

Let me post some perverted lines from elementary school essays!
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1. A classmate and I went out riding bikes together. His valve core burst, so I pulled mine out and put it on his. The two of us happily rode home together.

2、The 100-meter race at the sports meet finally began, and the students dashed out like a pack of wild dogs slipping their leashes.

3、Colored flags flutter over the sports field. Men, women, old folks, and kids throw darts. You throw one dart, I throw one dart. Intestines and guts fly all over the sky.

4、I have a classmate. He’s neither tall nor short, above 1.76 meters and below 1.78 meters...

5、A classic sentence, everybody has written it: The weather is really nice today, the sky is clear for ten thousand miles, and white clouds are floating in the sky...

6、When I was little and writing diaries, the teacher required more than 200 characters. At that time we were divided into groups of four, and the group leader checked the word count. One guy in my group wrote, “Today Mom told me to go out and buy vegetables. I asked how much per jin. The vegetable seller said 5 fen. I said: That’s so cheap, that’s so cheap, that’s so cheap, that’s so cheap...” The group leader counted and found he was still 4 characters short, so the guy added another sentence at the end: That’s so cheap.

7、A red sun shines on the morning sun... As elementary school students of the new era, we know full well that Beijing is right next to the capital...

8、Does everyone still remember “Little Tadpoles Looking for Their Mother” from elementary school? The teacher told us to imitate that and write an essay about ***... One classmate wrote it like this: My mother has a snow-white belly and bulging eyes...

9、I once secretly read a girl’s essay, and the coldest line was: If I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients like lovers.

10、Mine, written in middle school: “Guoqiang (a male classmate of mine) sat on the stool, and his big butt was like a pumpkin in the field. A big JIE of underwear was showing beneath his clothes.” The teacher read it aloud in class and even said my description was vivid. After class I got beaten by that classmate...

11、When I was in third grade, another teacher substituted for class once and told us to write “A Corner of My Home.” So I wrote: A corner of my home is very beautiful, round and bright—it is a toilet bowl.

12、On a pitch-dark night where you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, the tadpoles in the pond were sunbathing!

13、Diary—Day 1: Today I went to Mom’s workplace to play. I had a great time.

Day 2: Yesterday I went to Mom’s workplace to play. I had a great time.

Day 3: Today I again remembered that the day before yesterday I went to Mom’s workplace, and had a great time.

14、The teacher asked us to make a sentence with “more... more... more...”: the kid wrote, “Anerle sanitary pads are drier, fresher, and more reassuring.”

15、I’ll give a real one too, made by my desk-mate in elementary school. The teacher wanted us to make a sentence using “sure enough,” and my desk-mate wrote: I hadn’t bathed for three months, and sure enough, my body smelled.

16、I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems the people’s standard of living really has improved. Look at that old peasant man there, a refrigerator in his left hand and a television in his right hand, jogging all the way.

17、There was also one about describing a teacher’s appearance. It should have been “The teacher has a melon-seed-shaped face,” but I wrote “The teacher has a claw-shaped face,” and our Chinese teacher nearly went crazy.

18、“My Classmate” was roughly like this: Once when I was sick, he came rain or shine to tutor me. That day there was torrential rain and thunder, and I thought he wouldn’t come, but he actually came through the rain... The next day he died of a high fever. I will always remember this good friend.

Today is National Day. Because the wise and great government’s achievements in building the nation and caring for the people are too numerous to be recorded, we get one day off, and Dad and Mom specially took us to the zoo.

As usual, we like to eat sweet potato congee for breakfast. Today the sweet potatoes were sold out, so Mom had no choice but to exhaust her meager tricks and peel some taro to pass it off as makeshift filler. Unexpectedly, the taro planted on the balcony was delicious, and the whole family greedily reaped what we had sown.

Before going out, my mother, who was still attractive despite being no longer young, dressed herself up gorgeously, with such supernatural workmanship that you couldn’t tell at all she was a humble wife. Dad, whose talents were still immature, also hurried to wash away his past and dress up like a monkey wearing a crown. After putting on a suit in a two-pronged approach, he became so devastatingly handsome that it caused total chaos and made people keep their distance. My younger sister, imitating ugliness in the pursuit of beauty, even put on shaping underwear and moved mountains with foolish determination, dressing herself up brilliantly in a terrible imitation and arrogantly putting on her newly bought high heels.

We rogues of a feather sat in a plain carriage with white horses and quickly arrived at the zoo. Unexpectedly, there were so many visitors that it was like wolves blocking the road and soldiers hiding in every bush, which caused our whole family to be separated. Dad, with wife and children scattered, devoted himself tirelessly to making announcements everywhere, and finally found me, who had almost taken a thief for my father, and my sister, whose trust had been misplaced. In the desperate struggle of trapped beasts, we tried to stop a chariot with our arms, rejected all opinions, and pushed ourselves onto others until we squeezed our way in front of the monkey enclosure, where we mixed fish eyes in with pearls and took a family photo with forced smiles.

Next we went to the bird garden full of chicken-crowing and dog-thievery to appreciate the wonderful music of nature, with wind sounding like cranes and mournful cries everywhere. Later, while Dad was talking nonstop and calling a deer a horse for us, a gust of cool wind blew over. The taste of spit drying on one’s own face was enough to make one’s hair stand on end and shiver with fear. Mom quickly draped Dad in the imperial robe and also reminded us to carry on the family tradition.

By evening, because it was a holiday, all the restaurants were usurping magpie nests and thriving with six kinds of livestock, so Mom led us in three moves worthy of Mencius’s mother, and finally decided on hot pot. One restaurant had just changed its wallpaper; its bare walls were very beautiful, and the dim lights together with enemies on all sides created a very nice atmosphere. The waitresses lying in ambush on all sides were everywhere attracting bees and butterflies, busily rescuing Zhao by besieging Wei for the customers, with honeyed words and daggers in their bellies to the point that one might mistake the place for the Western Paradise.

Starving and not choosing our food, we ordered a mixed hot pot. Dad, sitting still without being swayed, struck first with a blow to the head and demanded that the waitress, acting as a tiger’s accomplice and showing off with a knife before an expert, hurry up and cook the dead cunning rabbit and boil the hunting dog, because our family of people occupying positions while doing nothing had already added fuel and vinegar and were just waiting for the hot pot to sink fish and drop geese so we could contend for the Central Plains. Unfortunately the pot lid was too small, making the cover-up rather obvious.

After the soup started boiling, we were so hot that we forgot all about Shu, and quickly untied our clothes and pushed food to others while all pitching in, sweeping everything up in one net and fishing until the whole truth came out.

After we shouted to heaven and coughed to earth, red-faced and devouring whale-like, the hot pot soon had only one tiny grain left in the vast sea, plus a few fish that slipped through the net. Mom, who still retained the model virtues of a mother, wanted to be careless and throw in the bean-thread noodles, but discovered the flame was already in mortal danger, so she had no choice but to refrain for fear of damaging the rat vessel. Fortunately Dad, who borrowed the tiger’s might, shouted for the staff to come add firewood to save the flames, and finally the dead ashes flared up again, allowing us, sitting as if on pin blankets, to line our own pockets. After the birds were gone and the bows put away, our whole family became sacks of wine and bags of rice, all in league with each other, and my sister and I in particular were smug from our petty success.

Unexpectedly, when it came time to pay the bill, the boss revealed his true face and actually wanted a fortune for a single meal. Dad was so angry he panted like a frightened ox at the sight of the moon, and Mom also cried in tattered clothes.

Ah! This blessed National Day ended with Dad feeling ashamed before his wallet and sacrificing the greater for the sake of kin, after which our whole family ran out of talent and was utterly defeated!

What are you guys doing? Turning it into a contest? My head hurts!