China DOS Union

The power supply story

I used to work at a computer store. One day we got a call from a gentleman saying that his computer power supply was smoking. The service staff tried

quite hard, but still couldn't make the gentleman believe that his hardware had a problem.

Service staff: Sir, something in your power supply has burned out.

Customer: There must be some command you can add to autoexec.bat to fix this.

Service staff: Software is powerless to solve your problem.

Customer: I know there must be something you can add... a command... or maybe it should go in CONFIG.SYS.

(After several minutes of repeated explanation)

Service staff: All right, I really shouldn't be telling you this. In some DOS versions there is a secret command you can use. Please edit the

AUTOEXEC.BAT file and add a line at the end: C:\DOS\NOSMOKE, then reboot the computer.>

(The customer did as told.)

Customer: The power supply is still smoking.

Service staff: I think you'll have to call Microsoft and ask them for an updated NOSMOKE.EXE file.

(The customer hung up. We thought we were done dealing with him. Unexpectedly, four hours later he called us again.)

Service staff: Hello, sir. How is the computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft. They said my power supply is incompatible with Microsoft's NOSMOKE.EXE, and I have to replace it with a new power

supply. When can you help me replace it?


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Stories from the repair department

1. COMPAQ was planning to change the prompt "PRESS ANY KEY" to "PRESS RETURN KEY", because they had received too many calls

asking where the "ANY" key was.

2. AST technical support received a complaint call from a customer saying her mouse wouldn't work through the dust cover. The so-called dust cover

turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse came in.

3. Another COMPAQ technician got a complaint that the computer could not read word-processing files on old floppy disks. After sector tests and heat

tests still failed to find the cause, they discovered that after putting a label on the disk, the customer had rolled the disk into a typewriter to type on the label.

4. An AST customer was asked to mail in a backup copy of his damaged disk. A few days later the customer sent a letter enclosing a photocopy

of the disk.

5. A Dell technician asked his customer to put the problem disk into the drive and then close the door. The customer asked the technician to wait a

moment, and then the technician heard him put down the phone and get up to close the door of his room.

6. Another Dell customer called saying he couldn't send any document with his computer. After spending forty minutes solving the problem, the technician

realized that the customer had been trying to tape paper onto the screen and press the "send key" in order to fax it.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that the keyboard was broken. He had only soaked it in soapy water for a day

and pulled all the keys off one by one to wash them, that's all.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was furious because his computer had just told him he was "bad and invalid". The technician

explained that the "bad command or invalid command" message on the screen was only a message and was not aimed at anyone in particular.

9. An annoyed customer called Dell technical support to say that her newly bought computer would not power on. After opening the box, she plugged it in

and sat there waiting for twenty minutes, but the computer gave no response at all. When asked what happened when she turned on the switch, she asked, "What switch?"


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How to protect and use floppy disks

To better protect floppy disks, the precautions are listed below:

1. Punch a few holes in the floppy disk, and you can operate on it from multiple points at the same time, greatly improving data access speed.

2. Spray insecticide on the floppy disk regularly to prevent the spread of viruses.

3. You can keep the floppy disk in the refrigerator where fruit is stored. This keeps the data fresh, but the disk may freeze, in which case you can thaw it in a microwave oven or soak it in boiling water.

4. Do not insert the floppy disk into the drive upside down, because then the data will fall off the surface of the disk, jam the drive, and make it unable to work.

5. Be sure to stick a label on the floppy disk. A staple can keep the label attached to the floppy disk for a long time.

6. If the floppy disk is full of data, take it out of the drive and shake it hard for two minutes. That will compress the data (also called data compression), and there will be more space on the disk. Note that while shaking it, all openings should be sealed up so the data doesn't fall out.

7. After a long time, a floppy disk will turn into a "hard" disk, so the important thing is to back up the data on these "hard" disks before the floppy disk becomes brittle.

8. Clean and wax the floppy disk once a week. When waxing, keep the surface level, so the disk can spin faster and access speed will also be faster. Do not put the floppy disk near a magnet, because the magnet will pull off the tiny particles on the disk. Uneven spots on the disk can be smoothed with talcum powder and velvet.


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The car story

It is said that a software engineer, a hardware engineer, and a project manager were riding in a car together to attend a seminar. Unfortunately, while going down a mountain road,

the car broke down halfway. So the two engineers and the manager began discussing

how to repair the car.

The hardware engineer said, "I can use the Swiss Army knife I carry with me to take apart the broken parts of the car, find the cause,

and remove the fault."

The project manager said, "According to management science, we should hold a meeting, write a requirements report based on the current situation, make

a plan, prepare a schedule, approach the problem step by step, and solve it through alpha testing, beta1 testing, and beta2 testing."

The software engineer said, "I think we should push the car back up to the top of the mountain and drive down again to see whether the problem repeats."


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The milk story

Beside the keyboard, someone had left half a cup of milk...

The optimist said: That cup is half full.

The pessimist said: That cup is half empty.

The Pascal programmer said: Is it integer or floating-point?

The C programmer said: I'll drink straight from the milk can.

The assembly programmer said: I'll drink straight from the cow.

The Basicc programmer said: I'm still in the nursing stage.

The Prolog programmer said: I drank it, don't ask me how.

The shareware game author said: This cup is free, the next one costs money.

The security consultant said: Where is the other half?

The copyright fanatic said: Someone drank half a cup for free!

The Free Software Foundation said: That is the contribution of the herd of cows to all mankind!

IBM said: Rent a cup from us, and we'll pour in what we think is the best drink.

Microsoft said: The remaining market share is no longer worth occupying for Microsoft Milk!


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The end of the world

Unable to bear the chaos and moral decay of human society, God decided to destroy mankind within three days. Before that, he decided to notify the three most

important people on earth: Yeltsin, Clinton, and Bill Gates.

After receiving the notice, all three hurriedly convened meetings.

Yeltsin solemnly announced in the Duma: "I have just received two pieces of bad news. First, God, whom we thought did not exist, does exist; the worse news

is that he is going to destroy the human world."

Clinton addressed both houses of Congress: "I have one good news and one bad news to announce to the American people. The good news is that the God we have always believed in

really exists. The bad news is that God is going to bring about the end of the world ahead of schedule."

Bill Gates urgently convened a board meeting, his eyes shining with excitement: "I have two pieces of good news to announce. First, I have just come from seeing God himself,

and he personally received me. The second good news is that OS/2 will completely disappear from the earth within three days."


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Stories about sales managers

It is said that one day, the sales managers of Microsoft, Lotus, and Novell agreed to compete in marksmanship.

The first to go was Microsoft's sales manager. He gulped down two bottles of Carlsberg in one go, casually tossed them up into the air, and with two

bang! bang! gunshots, the bottles were shattered. "NT is blooming everywhere, Sales is easy and carefree!"

The Lotus sales manager was not to be outdone. After two bottles of XO, the shapely Hennessy bottles also shattered with two gunshots. "Groupware is

invincible, lotus flowers bloom all over the world!"

The Novell sales manager, appearing last, gloomily drank two bottles of erguotou, then wearily tossed up two bottles and shakily raised his gun.

After two shots──the Microsoft and Lotus sales managers fell to the ground. Only then did the Novell sales manager slowly utter one sentence: "Life without

competitors is a kind of happiness."


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The Microsoft story

Microsoft announced today that it will change the company name to "Moft" to save users' hard disk space. It is estimated that in a typical installation of

Windows 95, the word "Microsoft" is repeated in about 2,842,597 places, such as copyright notices, the end-user license agreement,

"About Windows 95", and so on. After the name change,

users installing Windows 95 will save 14MB of hard disk space. After the news was released,

hard drive manufacturers' stock prices dipped slightly.

Moft president Bill Gates said: "The significance of this move is not how much hard disk space it can save users, but that it lets us ship Windows 95 to

users on 13 disks instead of the previous 14. This alone saves as much as 50 million dollars a year in media costs. We will also shorten the names of other

products, for example 'Microsoft Exchange' will be renamed 'Moft Pit', and so on." Bill Gates refused to admit that the renaming

was caused by the fact that Windows 95's so-called long filename support actually still uses 8.3 filenames. But he did admit that

"MICROSO~1" really does look a bit strange.

Mr. Gates said that the little programmer who discovered this space-saving trick has already received a free copy of "Moft off for Moft Win 95"


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Is Windows a virus?

Is Windows a virus? Bill Gates said: "Of course not." A virus will consume precious system resources and slow down the system;

Windows will too. A virus will from time to time crash the hard disk; Windows will too. A virus can slip itself into useful

programs without the user even noticing; Windows will too. Sometimes it can make users suspect that their system is too slow,

thus making them buy new hardware; Windows will too. So far, Windows does seem to be a kind of virus, but in fact there is a fundamental distinction

between them: viruses replicate quickly and well,

Windows cannot; viruses can run on most systems, and their code is concise, fast, and efficient, Windows cannot.

Therefore, Windows is not a virus.


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Girlfriend · Wife · New Flame

Last year, a friend of mine upgraded his Girlfriend 6.0 version to Wife 1.0 version, and as a result discovered that she took up nearly all system resources

and left no room at all for other applications.

Only then did my friend realize that Wife 1.0 produces a large number of subroutines, thereby overwriting other extremely valuable resources.

Although another friend of mine had already warned him beforehand that this possibility existed, the product introduction bundled with Wife 1.0

didn't mention this special phenomenon at all. Even worse, Wife 1.0 installs itself very cleverly: while the system starts up and runs, it monitors

all system activity. Some of my friend's other applications, such as Happy Mahjong 18.8, Smoke 2.5, and Midnight Bar 7.0, could no longer run.

Once selected, they would cause the system to crash (whereas before that, they had been running fine).

At the same time, when Wife 1.0 was installed, some unexpected add-on programs were also installed, such as Mother-in-law 55.0, Brother-in-law β version, and so on. And so,

as the days went by, the original system performance gradually weakened.

Now my friend hopes that the new Girlfriend 2.0 version can have the following features:

An "Don't bother me anymore" key

A minimize button

Bundled uninstall program, to ensure that uninstalling it will not cause loss of cache and other system resources.

He doesn't want to run into the troubles he had with Wife 1.0 again, and only wants to honestly use New Girlfriend 2.0. But even so, there are still quite a few

problems. Obviously, you can't install New Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Wife 1.0; you have to uninstall Wife 1.0 first. Quite a few users have already warned

that this is no easy task!

First, different versions of female companions will conflict over sharing a single I/O port. Second, the uninstall program for Wife 1.0 is not quite satisfactory;

during uninstallation it leaves behind some records in the system that you would never expect.

There is another annoying problem---all versions of female companions will keep popping up dialog boxes saying: Please upgrade me!

A warning to all users, this is no alarmist talk!

It is said that Wife 1.0 also has an unwritten Bug:

If you try to install New Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, then while Wife 1.0 is executing the uninstall program it will automatically delete the

Money file, after which the new housewife will be unable to install due to insufficient memory.

Actually, this Bug does have a specific solution:

To avoid the above Bug, try installing the new mistress 1.1 onto another system, and it is recommended to install System Commander V4.0

to ensure the system can do multi-boot.

Note: absolutely do not run file transfer programs such as Sys.com and LapLink 6.0!!! Also, please take care not to run some

well-known Virus-infected programs, lest they affect Wife 1.0. Besides that, there is another solution, which is to enter usenet and

log in anonymously to run Mistress 1.1. At that time too, you must be extremely careful, because Virus can come in from the network at any time!


If restaurants were like WINDOWS

A restaurant wasn't doing well in business, so it had to be sold to someone else. The new owner had originally been a marketing manager at Microsoft, and he adopted
a unique marketing strategy. On the first day after opening, the first customer came and only ordered a bowl of soup. But just after the soup was served,
the following scene took place:
　　　　Customer: Hey, somebody come here!
　　　　Waiter: Sir, my name is Bill, is there anything I can help you with?
　　　　Customer: There's a fly in this soup.
　　　　Waiter: Really? Try drinking it again, maybe it won't be there anymore.
　　　　Customer: I've tried several times, but the fly is still there.
　　　　Waiter: Maybe you're drinking the soup the wrong way. Try using a fork.
　　　　Customer: I even tried chopsticks, but the fly still won't go away.
　　　　Waiter: Oh, maybe this soup is incompatible with the bowl you're using. What kind of bowl are you using?
　　　　Customer: The one you just brought over on the tray.
　　　　Waiter: Think carefully again, what exactly were you doing before you noticed the fly?
　　　　Customer: I sat down, ordered a bowl of soup, and as soon as it arrived, I saw the fly.
　　　　Waiter: How about this: if you're willing to spend a little more, we can upgrade your soup.
　　　　Customer: You can upgrade soup?
　　　　Waiter: Yes, our soup gets upgraded every hour. In view of your contribution in discovering the fly, we can specially upgrade you
to version 4.0123456789, which won't be released until next week.
　　　　Customer: Fine, I'm very hungry, hurry up and bring it.
　　　　Waiter: Sorry, version 4.0123456789 isn't ready yet and has to be delayed, so for now you can drink this internal test
version 3.987654321.
　　　　Customer: But now there's another green caterpillar in the soup!?
　　　　Waiter: That's normal. Just don't let your mouth touch it while drinking the soup.
　　　　Customer: I guess I have no choice.
　　　　Bill:
　　　　Original soup 10 yuan
　　　　Upgrade 3 yuan
　　　　Consultation 1 yuan
　　　　One year later, this restaurant rapidly became the world's largest food service group.

　

Latest news

SPP News reports: latest news! According to research, overclocked CPUs
are the main culprit behind the rise in the earth's temperature... ...



Virus

Xinhua News Agency, London, Aug. 27 (Reporter Jiang Yan) The "Wild Rabbit" computer virus that caused
panic in Britain a few weeks ago turned out to be a false alarm. Almost
no computers in Britain were infected or damaged by it.
The "Wild Rabbit" computer virus is believed to have first appeared in New Zealand in July this year.
Some time ago the British media greatly exaggerated the harm it might cause,
and anti-virus companies all rushed special express anti-virus software to users,
warning that the virus had spread from New Zealand to the United States,
South Africa, and Europe, and might be one of the most widespread computer viruses in the world.
The activation dates of the virus were Aug. 22 and Sept. 22. When triggered,
the words "Wild Rabbit Klesner, rabbit, rabbit..." would appear on the computer screen
in English, and then all files on the hard disk would be deleted.
However, although British computer users really were nervous on Aug. 22,
almost no computers were attacked by it. Research by computer experts
found that this virus was in fact very poorly written.
Before it could replicate itself and infect other computers, it would already activate, and once
activated it would delete all files on the computer including itself,
so it was almost impossible for it to spread. A British anti-virus software company called this computer
virus "the clumsiest computer virus" they had ever seen.

Special uses of computers

Xiao Li was at work when his girlfriend called and asked him to go with her to the airport to meet his future mother-in-law. Xiao Li really wanted to go,

but didn't want to lose this month's bonus by asking for leave, so he went to ask old Chen, the office slacker expert, for advice. Old Chen smiled and said:

"It's simple. Before you leave, turn on the computer, disable the screen saver, and open a few

texts and reports you're working on, so people get the illusion that you're still nearby. If someone asks

where you've gone when you head out, just say you've gone to the restroom. Remember to leave your beeper and mobile phone on the desk. When you come back,

be sure to mutter something like, 'Sigh, my belt turned into a dead knot again, took forever to undo it. Next time I go to the restroom,

I'd better bring a pair of scissors.'"

KGB reveals the inside story of Windows

According to foreign reports, the former Soviet KGB recently made public a top-secret file. The file says that Windows was a

soft nuclear bomb carefully cooked up by the KGB during the Cold War, intended to destroy America's electronic industry

and drag down the entire U.S. economy. But unexpectedly,

because of bureaucracy in government departments, Windows was mistakenly installed on most computers in the former Soviet Union, which eventually led to the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Arishan, a KGB programmer who had infiltrated Microsoft, said: "I once warned the Soviet government never to use Windows,

because I placed a logic bomb in the Windows core layer. Whenever the system processes data related to the national economy,

it would produce computational errors, causing government decision-making organs to make wrong decisions and making the national economy worsen. Unfortunately, the Americans

used MacOS to calculate national economic data, and the result was a blunder that harmed the Soviet Union instead."

After this news was released, Microsoft quickly put a patch on its website to correct the error.

Americans, however, thought Windows had rendered great service, and Microsoft's stock rose 25% that very day.

Lies and truths about computers

The three biggest software lies:

　　　　●The program has passed complete testing and has absolutely no Bug.

　　　　●The upgraded version will be released soon; we are currently editing the software manual.

　　　　●We can fix all errors.

The three biggest hardware lies:

　　　　●The first thing we considered in the design was testability.

　　　　●It performed extremely well during laboratory evaluation.

　　　　●Performance will be better if used together with software.

The three biggest lies often told by computer engineering professors:

　　　　●Someday, we will truly master this course.

　　　　●What you learn will be quite useful once you leave school.

　　　　●This is the standard process currently used in industry.

The three greatest truths about computer science:

　　　　●Computer software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.

　　　　●Computer systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat.

　　　　●Computer knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat, while someone loudly says: "I caught it."

Computers and wives

Computer fans sit in front of the computer all day long, so the wives of computer fans often say: "Why don't you let the computer be your wife,

what do you need me for?" Though this is a joke, on second thought there really are quite a few similarities between computers and wives. Just look:

　　　　1. As soon as you buy one, another better-performing one comes onto the market.

　　　　2. Except for their manufacturers, no one understands how they operate.

　　　　3. Any tiny mistake you make will be put on record for future reference.

　　　　4. The DOS error message "Bad Command or FileName" means: if you don't know

why I'm angry with you, I won't tell you the reason either.

　　　　5. When you get obsessed with a computer, you'll find that half your time and money are spent on buying peripherals.

　　　　6. The language used for communication between computers is completely beyond our understanding.


Computer Jokes, Collection 11

●Men and women on the net

(Man: works for an IT media outlet. Woman: works for an IT company.)
Woman: Darling, lately I've noticed you've been depressed and your response speed has dropped a lot. Is it because there are too many fragments in your head? Do you want me to help you

defragment it?
Man: I can't really explain it. I feel more and more incompatible with my colleagues.
Woman: Maybe it has to do with your configuration and theirs. It seems you're the only one in your office who graduated elsewhere and got assigned to Beijing.
Man: That's not the main reason. Sometimes when they're talking enthusiastically, the moment I jump in, I crash.
Woman: Could it be that you brought up some illegal topic?
Man: It's not that I'm illegal. They only talk about industry application topics, things like cars, houses, hostesses. I think their topic

versions are too low and should be upgraded.
Woman: You should learn backward compatibility.
Man: This is a society that updates and replaces itself rapidly. Backward compatibility has too high a cost. Besides, it causes a great waste of

resources. I actually think they should expand their memory.
Woman: You know, darling, some things can't be solved simply by upgrading memory. The key issue

lies in processing speed and cache size.
Man: Their processing speed isn't slower than mine. They always switch from topic to topic, but never get any result.
Woman: Aren't you used to this way of opening multiple topic windows at once? Modern society can fully support this kind of multitasking topic

system.
Man: But why is it that either I can't get a word in, or the moment I do, I crash?
Woman: Surely they haven't set a screen saver on you.
Man: I really want to browse their brains and see what Headlines they have every day, but unfortunately I don't know the

entry address.
Woman: Why not use a search engine to search the keywords in their daily conversations?
Man: Wouldn't that make me look like a hacker?
Woman: Darling, it seems you really need to increase your knowledge refresh frequency. Oh, and the wallpaper color of your clothes, you can't always use

the standard clothes wallpaper.
Man: I really hope every conversation with colleagues can let me click Start from here. I even hope I can paste the initialization conditions of this kind of conversation back

into my old circle of friends.
Woman: I have to remind you that develop once does not necessarily mean run everywhere.
Man: No, that's not what I mean. I just want better stability in social situations.
Woman: I'm glad you can change your partner strategy. I'll make you a greeting startup disk soon. But before we safely exit this conversation

task, don't you want to do a regular scan of my lips?
Man: Oh, darling, I almost forgot. (Scanning in progress...) It seems there's a tiny chili error on your mouth, retry or

cancel?
Woman: Ignore.
●A joking take on computer book titles

Computer books on the market all have names as lovely as flowers and jade, dazzling and irresistible, making people drool and want to immediately pay up and carry them home. But

wait a moment. Judging people by appearances at least still gives you something pleasant to look at and doesn't entirely count as being cheated. But after spending dozens of yuan on a pretty book title, what is

left to comfort you?

Help
1. A function that creates even more questions. If used properly, the user will go through a whole series of "Help" screens, get completely dizzy, and learn nothing at all

.
2. Originally meant to help you use the computer correctly, but often ends up making you fear the computer instead.
3. Used to replace paper documents, which also means that although you save filing-cabinet space, you need a huge amount of hard disk space.
Unrecoverable error
If the bad things you said about your boss behind his back reach his ears, then you've made this kind of error. Also known as a Fatal

Error.
Incompatible
A wife's shortcomings.
Warranty card
This is the manufacturer's promise that its product will not break down during the warranty period.
- - C - -
CD-ROM (optical drive)
1. A device installed in a computer that enables it to read large amounts of data from a light, shiny round disc. But the biggest reason people

use it is to listen to music while working, or to play VCDs.
2. Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
CONFIG.SYS
A beloved item of the previous generation of computer experts. It can make them seem mysterious and unfathomable in front of you.
CPU
1. It has the same troubles as humans: the house stays the same size, but there are more and more people.
2. An imported fruit that is usually rare, expensive, and not quite ripe when it first appears on the market. But once it ripens, it is hard to keep fresh, and usually

soon disappears from the market.
C language
1. Far from perfect but acceptable; it takes effort to master.
2. The child born after a high-level language and assembly language got married; fortunately it inherited its parents' strengths rather than their weaknesses.
Memory
1. Like a bag full of money, people always feel there is too little, never too much.
2. The kindest in variety, and the stingiest in quantity.
Operating system
A whole set of "exploitation" methods invented by people in order to squeeze the maximum working ability out of the CPU. Its basic principle is only one: make the horse

run fast while also making it eat less grass!
Program
Let me tell you a secret: computers are actually very stupid; I taught them everything step by step.
Programmer
Playwright. Their works are shown only on computer screens. Similar to the development of film, their works have also gone through the process from silent to sound, from black-and-white to color.

Unlike ordinary playwrights, programmers never die. If you've ever heard of a programmer dying, that's only because

in the gosub statement of their own program they forgot to add the return command.
Error
The most common output message on a computer.
Error message
A brief accusation given to the user by the programmer in order to cover up the programmer's own mistake.
Resident in memory
For most people, a first love, money others owe them, and favors they have done for others all remain resident in memory.
Reboot
After a user's WINDOWS system has problems, this is the simplest and most effective technical support an expert can provide. It is also the starting point

of the next unpleasant experience.



Computer expert
God has equipped almost every work unit with one or two such experts. The thing they most enjoy and are best at is setting up certain obstacles for others,

so that others cannot use the computer smoothly, thus demonstrating how much better they are.
Computer specialist
1. A category among computer users. What distinguishes them from ordinary users is that the covers of their computer cases are often left open.
2. People busy directly or indirectly making a mess of their own or other people's computers.
Computer fan
The collective term for those people all running a high fever and wanting to marry computers.
Multimedia
1. A super toy that combines sound, form, and color, and with its endless variations lures you into emptying the last bit of money from your pocket.
2. Experiencing through sight and hearing the tremendous impact of a system crash.
Multitasking
1. No need to wait before letting multiple applications deadlock at the same time.
2. The duties and obligations borne by children raised in ambitious families—learn computers, learn foreign languages, learn music, learn dance, learn

painting, learn calligraphy, make up lessons...
Print
A boring joke meant to present your stupidity more realistically.
Printer
1. A blessing for people with bad handwriting, the urn of calligraphic art. Usually composed of three major parts: a panel for sticking on a trademark,

a tray for holding jammed paper, and a flashing warning light.
2. A device found in most offices, with extraordinary talent: though it never leaves the desk, it can still cut down large numbers of trees, and is one of the

culprits behind the destruction of forest resources.
Piracy
Of all illegal activities, this is the one least hated by upright people, provided of course that what is pirated is not mine.
E-commerce
A sad byproduct of the computer network age. Its greatest harm is that it deprives us of the pleasure of counting money.

- - E - -
Esc key
One of the various key combinations used to tell the computer to stop, exit, pause, stop sleeping, wake up. Sometimes you often see skilled computer users rapidly

tapping the keyboard: "Damn computer froze again, Ctrl-C, Esc, Ctrl-Y, Ctrl-Break, Ctrl-..."
Binary
1. A counting method using 0 and 1. Although people never understand or use this method, it is extremely important to computers. The very

highest-level programmers can understand binary code and even use it for programming.
2. Like simultaneously having a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
3. When programmers were programming on computers, they found that only their two thumbs were still free and available for finger-counting, so they decided to use binary.

- - F - -
FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions. For a long time in the past it was "Have you eaten yet?", but recently it has become "Are you on the Internet yet?"
FTP
File Transfer Protocol, a method of paralyzing a computer network by moving large amounts of information around.
Analysis
The programmer's nightmare. This activity means that before writing any actual code, one must first produce definitions, specifications, plans, and all sorts of such waste paper.
Junk
What you already own as a computer.
Reset
That is rebooting. In plain language it means starting over, which is exactly what people most want to do after being dealt a terrible hand.


Computer house

　　The future...

　　Xiao Chen recently spent a high price to buy a fully computer-controlled house. He was keeping up with the times and catching the trend for once. Although the price

was 20% higher than a traditional house, in Xiao Chen's words: "Worth it."

　　But before Xiao Chen had been happy for even a few days, his girlfriend broke up with him. Xiao Chen returned home heartbroken.

　　As soon as he reached the door, the computer house opened it automatically. Before Xiao Chen had even sat down, the computer said: "Sir, please eat." Xiao Chen was in no mood for

food, and said irritably: "Not eating!" The computer asked again: "Sir, would you like to go online and browse?" Xiao Chen said impatiently: "Not going on duty!"

　　Computer: "Sir, would you like to use 'Rest Plan A'?"

　　Xiao Chen: "No."

　　Computer: "Then how about 'Rest Plan B'?"

　　Xiao Chen: "How annoying! Are you ever going to stop? Shut up!"

　　Computer: "Yes, sir. May I ask how long you want me to shut up for? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour, or would you like to define it yourself? Please choose."

　　Xiao Chen: "Annoying! Shut up for one hour!"

　　Computer: "Yes, sir. Which mode would you like? 1: shut up only; 2: shut up, use half-power energy, recover within 5 minutes upon Class A alarm; 3: shut up, use only 10%

energy, recover within 1 minute upon Class A alarm; 4: ..."

　　Xiao Chen flew into a rage: "Why don't you just die!"

　　Computer: "Has sir really decided?"

　　Xiao Chen shouted hysterically: "Go die, you lousy computer, rotten computer, nagging computer! Damn..."

　　Computer: "Executing command. Performing preparatory action.... Complete.... Working.... Completion: 1%, 2%, 3%

.....100%."

　　Xiao Chen suddenly realized what was happening: "Cancel command, cancel command!"

　　Computer: "Response time too long, not accepted: this command is illegal. For details please contact the manufacturer of this program. Illegal stack XXXX

at XXXX.... Sir, please hold your head and curl up. I will safely eject you. Thank you for accepting our company's perfect service."

　　Xiao Chen: "No...."

　　The whole house became a pile of ruins. Not far from Xiao Chen there was even a fragment scattered on the ground, once part

of the house he had been so proud of. Xiao Chen painfully crawled toward that fragment and vaguely made out a few letters on it: M*CROSOF* "....

　

Amusing stories of Xiao Ming

@ @ @

　　Today Xiao Ming learned antonyms in class. As soon as he got home, he heard his mother and father talking. His mother said: "Did you know, the richest person in the world is the boss of Microsoft." Xiao Ming said disapprovingly: "What's so great about that? Half later I'm going to start a company called 'Giant Hard' and

be the richest boss in the universe."

@ @ @

　　In elementary school computer class, he learned the basic operation of WINDOWS. One day the system crashed and could only enter pure DOS, not the WINDOWS graphical interface.

Xiao Ming suddenly understood and said: "So WINDOWS is just 'silver on the outside, wax spear underneath'—inside it's actually empty!"

　

@ @ @

　　Dad didn't understand computers, and every time he watched Xiao Ming using the computer he was always playing games. After seeing this enough times, Dad came to the conclusion: "So a computer is just a game machine."

Xiao Ming immediately got anxious and said: "You're not allowed to insult computers, not allowed to insult computers!" Dad couldn't handle him and said: "All right, all right, all right, suppose

I'm wrong. Then what do you say a computer is?" Xiao Ming answered: "Of course you're wrong. It's not just a game machine, it's also an unbeatable game modifier."

@ @ @

　　Mom used the computer to learn WPS. But what she used was the DOS "ancient" WPS. Xiao Ming thought Mom hadn't learned it properly. But when he tried it himself,

he also began to back off; then he tried installing the Chinese edition of OFFICE and still found it troublesome. So the standard text editors in Xiao Ming's home became

"Notepad" and the "ancient" WPS.

@ @ @

　　Xiao Ming played The Legend of Sword and Fairy, and at the tragic ending he could never help shedding tears. Dad saw it and said he was childish, and even said it was fake. One day

Xiao Ming came home from school and heard the music from Sword and Fairy in the house, so he quietly opened the door and went in. He found Dad playing with the sword

and using one of his saved games near the ending, and he also discovered that Dad was crying too. Xiao Ming asked what was wrong with Dad's face. Dad hurriedly explained that the tears were from chopping onions. Xiao

Ming reminded Dad not to play computer right after chopping onions next time, and to pay attention in the future and so on. Finally he said: "Sorry, Dad, I forgot to tell

you just now, we don't have any onions at home." Dad was dumbfounded.



A day in the life of a tech support person

　　8:00 I had just walked into the office when I saw the three phones on my desk ringing all at once. Before I even had time to catch my breath, I hurriedly answered them one by one. User a

complained that her computer wouldn't start. After detailed questioning, I learned it was because of a power outage; user b's problem was that he couldn't dial up to the Internet

and was sure there had been no power outage. At my prompting, he carefully checked all the devices, and finally discovered that the Modem wasn't turned on; user c's problem was the hardest to

solve: the Modem and every switch were already on, yet it still couldn't dial up. At my prompting, he took the machine apart and reassembled it, but the problem remained. In the end

it turned out that because he had not paid his phone bill, his line had been disconnected.

　　The above work took 1 hour and 42 minutes.

　　10:00 I was filling out a repair report when I received a notice to go to the manager's office to attend the daily regular work meeting. First the third deputy manager gave a speech,

summarizing yesterday's work: a total of 50 sentences, taking 15 minutes; then the second deputy manager spoke,

summarizing the work of the day before yesterday and yesterday: a total of 51 sentences, taking 25 minutes; then the first deputy manager spoke, summarizing

the work of three days ago, the day before yesterday, and yesterday: a total of 52 sentences, taking 52 minutes; finally the general manager gave instructions for today's work: a total of 55

sentences, taking 110 minutes.

　　The whole meeting took 202 minutes.

　　12:25 Back in the office, the three phones were ringing all at once again, but I was really too hungry. So I ate first, and then answered the calls. User a

first told me that the power had just come back on, then asked how to order hamburgers online. I told her the URLs of a few online fast-food shops and casually reminded her that they might be cold when delivered;

user b said his computer frequently crashed. I suspected a virus infection, so I suggested he buy a set of anti-virus

software, but he said he had no money; user c asked a very strange question: if he used a new phone number, would he need to reset the settings? So I

suspected he was trying to steal the neighbor's phone line, but he told me he had already done so. I refused to answer his question and was threatened with a complaint. 　

　14:00 Filling out new repair reports took 40 minutes.

　　15:00 I received a call from user d asking how to remove the power supply. Because I didn't remind him that he needed to disconnect the power first,

the computer was burned out, and the user immediately filed a complaint.

　　16:00 I received a call from user a saying the hamburger still hadn't been delivered. I suggested she eat fried chicken instead; she said she didn't like it.

I suggested instant noodles instead; she said she didn't like that either. So I suggested she eat the mouse.

　　17:00 I received a call from user e asking some hard disk questions. After hearing my fairly detailed answers,

he pointed out all sorts of errors in what I had said. He explained that this was because he had already opened up the hard disk and had found no "sectors"

and no "heads." He said I was a liar, and immediately filed a complaint.

　　17:20 I received a call from user a saying the hamburger had been delivered and she had eaten it. She asked whether she still needed to eat the mouse. I said she was an idiot, and was

immediately complained against. I then received a call from user b saying his computer was completely dead. Because I had not provided effective service,

he would file a claim for compensation.

　　18:00 As the general manager stepped in holding a stack of complaint forms, I placed my resignation letter in his hand.

　　And just like that, I ended my first day of work at this company.



Universal computer

　　A universal computer was being exhibited publicly, and a woman went to see it. The salesman said to her: "You may ask any question, and this computer will give you the

correct answer." So the woman wrote down her question: "Where is my father?" The salesman entered the sentence, and after a moment the answer came out: "

Your father is fishing by the sea." "Nonsense!!" the little woman said. "My father has been dead for ten years." "The computer cannot be wrong," the salesman insisted.

　　"Why don't you try asking it another way?" So the woman asked again: "Where is my mother's husband?" The computer answered: "He died ten years

ago, but your father is fishing by the sea."


Online marriage ad

　　"A certain man sincerely seeks a woman. Her inner nature should be as single and simple as DOS, yet as warm and cheerful as PentiumIII. Her appearance should be as

beautiful and charming as a GUI interface, and her figure should be a standard BABY AT type. She should be able both to appear in the living room and enter the kitchen, and her knowledge

memory should be no less than 128M. When doing housework she should be as capable as WINDOWS. In addition, she should, like me, be willing to spend

large amounts of money feeding my beloved 'cat'. Interested parties please contact me by E-mail or ICQ,

contact QQ."

1. Easy introduction
Once this book is sold out, the bookstore owner can go easily back home, because the boss's wife has been threatening divorce because the book sells too slowly.
2. Quick start
Once this book is sold out, the bookstore owner will quickly run to his fiancée's home to propose, because for some time the inventory has been too large and he had no cash on hand,

so he still couldn't get married.
3. Easy to learn and practical
Easy to learn, hard to use, so your brain has to be very nimble.
4. Learn it and use it immediately
Same as "avoid learning, avoid using."
5. Cross over XXX
If you can't move the stone, step over it; if you can't learn it, skip over it too.
6. Treasure book
Books of this kind are extremely precious, so after reading a few pages, you decide to give it away as a present.
7. Fast food
Even though the vegetables aren't washed clean and the rice is still undercooked, it can quickly and fearlessly be put in front of the diner.
8. Idiot book
The most worthy of its name of all books. A book written by idiots is of course called an idiot book.
9. Exploring the mysteries of XXX
Before reading the first page, it's like standing in front of a mysterious cave, feeling that the secret is about to be revealed to the world. By the middle, it's like being deep inside the cave, feeling

that there are even more secrets. After finishing the last page, it feels as if you've become lost in the mysterious cave.
10. Master in X days
After X days, do you dare say you still haven't mastered it?
11. Complete collection
The contents of this kind of book are the most comprehensive, because they include not only correct knowledge, but also wrong knowledge, and organically form a community where truth and error

are indistinguishable, reaching the lofty realm in which there is error within truth and truth within error.
12. Guide
This kind of book requires 3 companion books—"Guide North," "Guide East," and "Guide West"—as supplementary teaching material, in order to fully

master the knowledge from the book in all directions. Unfortunately, the latter 3 books have never been published.
13. Self-study tutorial
This is a 2-in-1 textbook, because to learn this book you need at least to "self-study" it once, and then use it as a "tutorial" and ask a teacher to explain it again.
14. Learn with me
Just from the tone, you know it was very likely written by your classmate, student, or junior.
15. Mastery
Only a very small number of extremely shrewd elite people can truly understand it, so many people who are not that shrewd also buy a copy and put it in the bookcase

to look cultured.
16. Introduction and improvement
This is an abbreviation for "hard to get started, even harder to improve."
17. Step by step
Start turning from page 1. If by the last page there are no repeated or missing page numbers, that is called "step by step." Publishers

are extremely serious in checking this, so almost all books, including those that don't use it in the title, can still without shame call themselves "step by step."
18. Learn from pictures
Before reading this book, you think you're really stupid and regret not buying this kind of easy-to-learn picture book earlier. After finishing it, you'll feel even stupider,

since you actually found even a little picture book hard to read.
19. Hand in hand
This is a computer book title created by borrowing from the Chinese Football Association's teaching and training methods. The Chinese Football Association trains players foot by foot without using the brain,

and as a result the players, coaches, and association leaders have all achieved brilliant results. Since computers are operated by hand, the title can't be "foot by foot."
●English dictation

A certain fellow was a computer fan, but his English was very poor. A girl asked him why he only scored twenty or thirty points on every English dictation. He spoke with absolute conviction,

and shamelessly declared: "You can't blame me. I've found that the English teacher's voice input is incompatible with the voice in my memory, so it's hard for me to identify it effectively.

Fortunately I still have a certain degree of system fault tolerance. So when outputting, I still have a 20 to 30 percent accuracy rate."
●Do you have computer phobia?

　　Have you been intimidated by computers? When friends and coworkers are speaking eloquently about professional computer terms, do you feel at a loss? The following

definitions can help you.
　　486: This means that only those whose IQ reaches this level can understand cutting-edge PC technology.
　　Junk: This means the machine you already own.
　　Microsecond: The amount of time it takes for the most advanced PC to become junk.
　　Keyboard: The standard method for producing computer errors.
　　Mouse: An advanced input device that makes it easier to produce computer errors.
　　Hard disk: An advanced sales technique used by most computer salespeople.
　　Portable computer: An invention that forces businesspeople to work at home, on vacation, and while traveling.
　　Advanced user: A user who can format a disk under DOS.
　　System upgrade: A convenient way to throw away all existing software.
●Portrait of a computer fan

　　He had never fought or stirred up trouble with his peers, and from childhood he was publicly recognized as an honest, well-behaved kid, because he sat quietly in front of the computer

all day. But in Quake he often slaughtered his opponents so completely that not a scrap of armor was left, and shouted with joy because of it.
　　At school, he secretly commented with close male classmates about a fierce girl in the class: she really looks like Lara!
　　His own desk was simply too messy, piled with books and all kinds of things in utter disorder. When his mother criticized him, he thought for a

moment, then suddenly understood and said: maybe it's because there are too many icons on the desktop.
　　When studying, he had absolutely no idea that there was such a direction as "west," so when taking a science fill-in-the-blank test,

he wrote "east, east, south, north." The word "west" never existed in his dictionary, because when others said "things," he would only say "east-east."
　　After he grew up and wanted to get a girlfriend, he placed this friendship ad in the newspaper:
　　Seeking partner: attribute W, version between 2.1 and 2.5, required to possess DOS-like plain and unadorned housekeeping and management ability, while also having

Windows's flashy but impractical GUI. Daily dress should be decent and appropriate, but need not and must not, like Lara in Tomb Raider II, display her "

partial truth"...
　　One day he ran into a good friend shopping with his girlfriend on the street. He went up to greet him and said: "Hey, kid! You're really something—where did you Download such a pretty girlfriend from?"
　　When it came time to marry, he said to his girlfriend: Darling, where do you think we should Hyper Link to for our honeymoon?
　　At work, he quarreled with a coworker over something. Helplessly, he was no match for the other man's eloquence and lost the argument. The more he thought about it afterwards, the angrier he got. He said: "I really wish I could

Delete him!"
　　When he described ruining a piece of work beyond repair, he would say: "It's like the Recycle Bin being emptied—there's no room left for regret."
　　When work was too busy and he was exhausted and dizzy, he would say: "My registry is too huge and too bloated; it needs cleaning up."
　　Once he caught a strange illness. On the 26th of every month he would come down with a cold, sneeze, and feel unwell all over. The doctor said he had been infected with an epidemic influenza

virus called CIH. The doctor advised him to take penicillin shots, but he did not follow the doctor's advice. In the end he cured his illness with PC Cillin

.
　　When work was too busy and he had no time to watch the program he liked, he would call the local cable TV station and ask to reserve channel X (Channel

): "Please notify me promptly when it is updated and download it to my TV set for offline viewing."
●How programmers hunt elephants

　　CLIPPER programmers don't actually go out and hunt elephants. They just buy libraries of elephant parts, then spend years trying to integrate them.

　　DBASE programmers only hunt elephants at night, because then no one notices that they are still using stone bows.
　　FOXPRO programmers start using newer and better rifles, which makes them spend more time learning new shooting techniques than they do on actual hunting.
　　C programmers refuse to buy a rifle directly. They would rather bring steel pipes and a mobile machine to Africa and intend to build a perfect rifle from scratch.

　　PARADOX programmers go to Africa carrying Hollywood movie scripts about elephant hunting. They think that if they act according to the script, they will catch an elephant.
　　ACCESS programmers set out without any elephant-hunting experience. They wear gorgeous hunting clothes, carry all the equipment, use beautiful binoculars to find an elephant,

then discover they forgot to bring the trigger.
　　VISUAL ACCESS programmers load the bullets, raise the rifle, and aim at the elephant. This makes the elephant laugh, and who ends up fleeing? They cannot

catch the elephant, because due to their love of multiple controls, their jeep has too many steering wheels and cannot be driven.
　　ADA、APL and FORTRAN programmers are fictional, just like Santa Claus and fairies.
　　COBOL programmers feel deep sympathy for elephants, since they are facing extinction just like themselves.
●Choosing friends by computer

A lady came to a computer-based marriage agency and entered her conditions for marriage into the computer: not too tall, likes to wear formal clothes in daily life, and enjoys ice sports. After the computer ran for a while,

it displayed an answer: "Penguin."
●Writing a letter

　　One day, I was using the computer to write an extremely important E-MAIL to a friend abroad, when suddenly the power went out. I was very depressed and hung my head, saying:

"Sigh, I didn't save it, now I have to write it all over again." At that moment the maid at home (I had previously told her I was writing a letter) comforted me, saying: "It's all right, take that sheet of paper out of the computer and mail it at the post office!" At that moment I &%\$#/@!@$%-&*&=%$%$#>@&&<*^o^

Joystick
A hardware device connected to your computer, one that lets you feel like you're sitting in an airplane cockpit, and speeds up your computer's crash, because in fact you don't know how to fly a plane at all.
Reference manual
Something the computer manufacturer includes with the machine in case the user may need to prop up the monitor or a desk leg. Happily, they are usually free.
Disk copy (DISKCOPY)
In the past, the command most commonly used by a small number of users who didn't want to pay but still wanted to use genuine software. It is said to be one of DOS's biggest mistakes.
Long filename
1. Refers to popular song titles such as "The sky has no wind, the sky has no rain, there is a sun in the sky" or "Is it only on such a night that you think of me like this?"
2. The benefits it brings are obvious: now we can rename Water Margin as The Story of Three Women and One Hundred and Five Men.
CLS (clear screen)
This DOS command was designed mainly for game fans, and serves to protect bonuses and jobs. When you're deep in the excitement of a video game and the boss suddenly

appears, don't panic, hit him with CLS. It is also recommended that children use this command against their parents.
- - D - -
DIY (Do It Yourself)
Who would have thought that it has recently become a popular buzzword among computer and audio enthusiasts. Originally it was just a slogan posted in examination rooms, or the last thing

exam candidates wanted to hear coming from the proctor's mouth.
DMA (Direct Memory Access)
Asking your parents for money is called DMA.
DBASE language
The ideal companion for classification maniacs.
DEC
1. Dot't expect Cuts (don't expect price cuts)
2. Dump Everything and Close
DOS
1. A computer operating system that is (almost) outdated. Compared with Windows programs, the most striking characteristic of DOS programs is their astonishing speed

on Pentium computers. Microsoft mainly uses four strategies to encourage everyone to use Windows: Solitaire, Minesweeper,

Hearts, and FreeCell.
2. Defunct Operating System
3. Defective Operating System
4. The only thing you can use to amuse yourself after Windows dies.
DOS batch processing
A little girl with extremely strong organizational ability, who relies almost entirely on others, yet can accomplish complex tasks.
Battery
A small cylindrical power supply device usually needed in some kind of portable electronic equipment (generally rectangular in portable computers),

normally designed to run out of power at the very moment you most need it.
Computer user
The general term for those who stare expressionlessly and unblinkingly at the screen. Generally divided into levels: novice, intermediate user, expert, specialist, and computer fan.
Computer novice
Someone who worries that pressing one wrong key will damage the computer.
Intermediate computer user
Someone who doesn't know what to do after pressing one wrong key causes the computer or a program to go wrong.

I finally finished reading it!
So long!
That was not easy at all!
It really is way too long!
I really don't know how many people can actually read the whole thing!
Dizzy!

Hahahaha
I'm awesome, right?

Awesome my foot!
It's not like you wrote it!
It's all thanks to Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V!

Wow! You even saw through that...

A bit messy

Sigh, finally finished reading it. So tiring!