China DOS Union

I’ve finally become a useful talent!

　　I am a college student about to step into society. Several years of college life have molded me into this versatile all-round talent, fully developed morally, intellectually, physically, aesthetically, and in labor. As graduation draws near, I would like to report my academic achievements of these past few years to all the people who care for and look after me, as follows:
　　
　　I learned how to cook: my instant noodle making skills are truly first-rate in Room 313.

　　I learned how to use a computer: I can skillfully turn it on and off, and I’m especially good at online games, with hardly any rivals in the whole college.

　　I learned several foreign languages: I know that when eating I should use “mishi mishi” (Japanese), when cursing people I should use “pig” (English), and when saying goodbye to my buddies I should say “dasi ni daniang” (Russian).

　　I learned how to be considerate and care for people: I especially care about pretty girls. Over the past few years, I’ve looked after more than a dozen younger sisters one after another, and as everyone expected, I was named this school’s Love Ambassador.

　　I learned elegant music: I have many times won commemorative prizes in karaoke competitions held by the “Yelaixiang” music teahouse at the school gate.

　　I learned fitness sports: mainly mahjong, Fight the Landlord, and fighting.

　　I am proficient in chemistry: I know that hydrochloric acid is highly corrosive and absolutely must not be touched by hand.

　　I learned to be self-reliant and earn money to support myself: I often resell football tickets outside the sports center.

　　I learned how to unite with my classmates: if there are cigarettes, everybody smokes; if there is alcohol, everybody drinks. During exams, everyone fights to pass me cheat notes.

　　I developed excellent calligraphy: all the famous scenic spots and historic sites around the school bear my inscription: Bulu Bushufusiji was here.

　　I learned diligence and thrift: every day I sleep until three in the afternoon before getting up, combining three meals into one and saving the country a huge amount of grain. On average I bathe once every half month and wash clothes once a month, and have many times been rated the “Star of Thrift” of the whole college.

　　I learned how to write: the love letters I’ve written to girls fill an entire drawer.

　　I am passionate about art: especially body art and Hong Kong soap-film-and-television art.
　　I learned management: the lower-year students all respect me quite a bit.

　　I mastered skilled driving techniques: I can ride a bicycle, smoke, and doze off all at the same time.

　　I learned to respect the old and love the young: when I meet a professor I call him handsome guy, and when I see a junior girl I call her “daling.”

　　I learned to keep my feet on the ground: I go barefoot every day, wearing a suit, shorts, and a necktie.
　　I learned to have a sense of humor: I can tell more than two thousand dirty little jokes.

　　I learned to convince people with reason: when I get into disputes with others, I often curse them until they cry and admit their mistakes to me.

Awesome!!

Damn~~

Talent! What a talent!