China DOS Union

Men always seem to be the theme of stories like this, and as a woman, I still couldn't escape anything related to it. I'm not the kind of "big-mouth girl" like Yanzi mentioned in the article, and I'm not some big brother's chick either, but every story that was supposed to happen happened anyway..

I had always been a top student. Whenever my grades were shown, teachers were proud of me. Back in fifth grade of elementary school, the teacher often said, "Elementary school is divided into three stages: first and second grade are the foundation, third and fourth are the transition, and fifth and sixth are the sprint." Just when everyone had started studying desperately, when everyone wanted to fight for recommendation spots, my best friend, Xiaojia, was doing worse and worse in school. Every day, besides my own homework, I had to help her finish hers too, and before going to school the next morning I would give it to her. She was a few months younger than me, and I had always treated her like a younger sister. Her plummeting grades puzzled me a lot. One day I dragged her onto the playground and asked, "What's wrong with you?" Xiaojia said, "I got a boyfriend." Her voice was tiny, very shy. The shock I felt then is hard to describe. After standing there with my mouth open for a long time, I said, "You're only in fifth grade?!" She looked at me and said disdainfully, "So what? How many people study stupidly like you do? Lots of elementary school students have boyfriends now." I was dumbfounded. Maybe I really didn't understand these things. The girls in my class were all crazy about Little Tigers songs back then, and I didn't even know what Little Tigers was. All I knew was that I was a student, I had to study hard and get into college. As for my friend, all I could do was help her with homework. Beyond that, I felt helpless. I didn't say much, and there wasn't much I could control, so I just let her do as she pleased. But all those wishes and thoughts changed because of one thing.

That morning when I went to find Xiaojia so we could go to school together, a big patch of her face was swollen. At first I thought her mother and stepfather had beaten her again. Her father had died when she was little, and that was also the main reason she lacked discipline. I pressed her about why her face was swollen. She said, "My dad hit me afterward. He found out I had a boyfriend. But he didn't do this to my face." I kept pressing for the reason, and she said, "My boyfriend lied to me. He already had another girlfriend. That girl came looking for me and brought some people to beat me up." The dogmatism in my head kicked in again, and I started lecturing Xiaojia nonstop, saying she shouldn't mix with that kind of person and so on. For the first time, Xiaojia rudely interrupted me and shouted at me, "Are you fucking my friend or not? Besides lecturing people, what else can you do? So what if I like him? Don't you also like that new teacher who came in fourth grade?! Just because you don't have the guts, that means I'm wrong?!" I was stunned for a moment. That feeling of having your secret exposed is really embarrassing. Even though I was young, I'd always handled all my own problems by myself, and my early maturity also made me understand what feelings were, what it meant to just want to see someone every day without any actual contact. Looking at it now, I guess that's what you'd call YY. Seeing that I had no answer, Xiaojia said, "If you're my friend, then help me find someone to beat her up!" I froze again. Beat someone up? Forget doing it, I'd never even thought about it... I didn't know anybody. Other than my parents, who was I supposed to ask to beat someone? Stupidly, I asked Xiaojia, "Ask who to beat her up..." Xiaojia said, "Aren't you familiar with those sixth graders from the literature club? They'll do." My head was still numb. I said, "Alright, I'll ask for you..."

At that time I had no idea what it meant to be used like a gun. I don't think she understood what it meant to kill with a borrowed knife either. It was just that the "sense of loyalty" hidden in my bones kicked in. I found a sixth-grade classmate, a very refined boy. Everybody called him Mutou. I found a chance and quietly asked him, "Mutou, do you know how to fight?" He asked me, "Huh? Why?" I said, "I want to hit someone." He opened his mouth wide like I had a few days earlier, stared at me for a long time, and said, "I don't. Yang Chen in our class fights all the time, ask him." I said, "But I don't know him!" He looked at me and said, "Wait a second," then ran back to his class. After a while, he came back with a boy about 1.75 meters tall. I had to tilt my head way up to look at him, and I was still thinking, "Why is he so tall..." Then Mutou said, "It's her. Ask her." The tall guy nodded. Mutou looked at me and said, "This is Yang Chen. I'm going to write the poster, you talk to him." Before I could say anything, Mutou had already slipped away. Yang Chen lowered his head and said, "Come with me." He brought me to the little garden behind the school, took out a pack of Marlboro, lit one, and without saying anything just smoked and looked at me. I dumbly looked back at him. After a while he got impatient and said, "Who do you want to hit? Why?" For the first time I felt how clumsy I was with words, because for the first time I was standing in front of the kind of person my parents and teachers all called "hoodlum, thug." I stammered for a long time, then rambled through the whole thing, emphasizing that the girl's name was Xiao Ai, from Class 2 in our grade. After listening, he was silent for a moment and said, "It has nothing to do with you, why are you meddling so much?" The words burst out of me: "Because Xiaojia is my good friend." He looked at me contemptuously, smiled, and said, "Fine, I'll help you this once. Go back to your class." I didn't move, just kept looking at him. He said, "Go back. Mutou said you're a good student. Don't let teachers see you with me." I gave an "oh" and started to leave, when he suddenly stopped me and said, "When the time comes, I'll take you there. Wait for me to come find you." I gave another "oh" and ran back to school as fast as I could.

About two or three days later, I remember it was a Friday. Right after school let out, Mutou mysteriously came to our class to find me. I thought the literature club had another activity, but he quietly said, "Yang Chen's looking for you. He said to go to the little garden." I gave a dumb little reply, rushed back into the classroom to pack up my schoolbag, and ran to the place where I'd met Yang Chen last time. As soon as I entered the little garden, I saw seven or eight sloppily dressed boys, each holding a cigarette. I got a little scared and didn't dare go over. Then suddenly I spotted Yang Chen squatting on a rock by the lawn, tilting his head at me, and I unconsciously walked over to him. He said, "I've got the people together. She'll be here in a minute." I said, "Who?" He glared at me and said, "Did studying make you stupid? Who do you think?" I suddenly thought of Xiao Ai. Then I turned and looked at that crookedly standing group of people, and I couldn't help feeling like giving up. Just then, someone suddenly said quietly to him, "Brother Chen, she's here." I turned around and saw Xiao Ai walking toward us with four girls. That was the first time I looked at her carefully. Slightly curly hair, pale skin, small eyes, very bright. She really was a pretty girl. She walked over, glanced at me, then turned and asked Yang Chen, "Why'd you ask me here?" One of Yang Chen's underlings answered for him: "Heard you beat up Qi-ge's girl?" Xiao Ai said arrogantly, "What's so strange about that? She stole my husband!" My head at that time was spinning with words like "girl" and "husband," and I wasn't paying attention to whatever else they were saying. My eyes stayed fixed on the ground and I didn't dare look around. I only knew that Yang Chen suddenly stood up, pulled me backward with one arm around my shoulder, and kicked out. Xiao Ai's miserable scream snapped my head back into clarity. His sudden yank nearly made me fall over too. I barely managed to grab his arm to keep from collapsing. Supported by those girls, Xiao Ai struggled to stand up and shouted at Yang Chen, "You dare hit me! Deng Qi will definitely not let this go with you!" With a loud "smack," another boy gave Xiao Ai a hard slap across the face. She instantly quieted down and didn't say another word, tears pouring down wildly. Of the girls she had brought, only one was still holding her up. The others had already run far away. Yang Chen finally said something, but that one sentence nearly scared me unconscious... He said, "I never hit women. Today was the first time. Xiaoxu, the rest is up to you." Suddenly I heard my own name and froze. Up to me? How was I supposed to handle it? I looked at him. There was a trace of amusement in his eyes. Then I looked at Xiao Ai. Her eyes were wide, staring at me. I was rooted there, not knowing what to do, dumbly looking back and forth between the two of them... Yang Chen gave me a shove forward and said, "Didn't you come to stand up for your good friend?! Hit her!" I don't know where the courage came from, but I slapped Xiao Ai across the face with a loud "smack." My hand hurt like hell and I secretly shook it out. Xiao Ai's face was already bright red, and you could still vaguely see the other boy's handprint on it. Suddenly I felt that I too had become a hoodlum, a thug... A panic rose up inside me. I didn't hear clearly what Yang Chen said to Xiao Ai after that. Later Xiao Ai left in disgrace, no longer glaring at me. At some point, I found a cigarette in my hand, and some unknown hand lit it for me. I took two hard drags and my head started spinning too. Suddenly Yang Chen patted me and said, "Everyone's gone. What are you doing?!" I was so startled that the cigarette dropped to the ground. The people around us burst out laughing, cursing Yang Chen for bringing along such a blockhead. Yang Chen also smiled for the first time and said, "Elementary school girls really are cute." Then he turned to me and said, "Don't be scared, it's fine. If she messes with you again, come find me. Hurry home." I didn't say a word. I grabbed my schoolbag and ran, my head still full of "girl, husband, slap, cigarette"...

After that incident, Xiao Ai always avoided me whenever she saw me. On the surface she put on a cold expression, but I knew she was scared of me, because later I heard from Mutou that Yang Chen had been repeating grades for three years, was four years older than me, and was doing pretty well hanging out outside. The people he brought that day were all middle school students who ran with him. Nobody in our school dared provoke him. Even people like Deng Qi, who dared to "pick up girls" at such a young age, kept out of his way. Maybe because everyone has vanity, I slowly changed. I suddenly felt that being able to mix outside and have nobody dare bully you wasn't such a bad thing. On top of that, Yang Chen often took me out to play, had me hang around while they played cards and so on. Little by little I learned to talk with "fuck" and "you asshole" every other sentence, and I also learned to go with those little punks into other districts to fight and hack people. Every time I helped them watch their schoolbags. I also learned to smoke, drink, and so on. But one thing remained: I never let my schoolwork go. Even though I'd become a little delinquent girl, in my parents' and teachers' eyes I was still a good child, a good student. Among my classmates, all kinds of rumors spread. They said I was Yang Chen's wife, that I'd had an abortion for him, and countless things like that. But only we knew that Yang Chen and I were the kind of friends who weren't extremely close in everyday contact, but could share a lot of happiness and pain together. Pure friends, friends who had never even held hands. He was my protector, my big brother, but forever, he listened to me. When we were alone, he was like my little brother. He once told me, "The first time I saw you, I knew that if you ever mixed outside, you definitely wouldn't be worse than a man." To put it plainly, he wanted to push me out front, wanted me to really become a hoodlum, even hoped that one day I'd be even more badass than him.

Yang Chen finally graduated. By graduation, I mean he officially dropped out. After that we still went out together from time to time, and he often came to school to find me. Because of that, my so-called position as big sister in school never budged. Nobody still dared mess with me, until later I also successfully got into a key middle school. That one year was very happy. With Yang Chen's group of friends keeping me company, I had a great time. Wang Xiao, Huang Mao, A Ming—those names I still remember to this day—had already become complete memories. We never had another chance to gather again.

In the first year of middle school, I continued living like a queen at a key school in Beijing. Several students who had gotten in from elementary school along with me embroidered my outside stories and told them to a group of students who had just entered middle school. In their eyes I was frightening, and because of that I also had no friends. Only a few students from the high school section, whom Yang Chen had instructed, still looked after me. I began to change enormously. I started dressing myself up, because I felt I was grown up now, not a little girl anymore. It seemed that my past life had given me the courage of someone who had been through many battles. I started challenging every school rule: not wearing the school uniform, not attending exercise breaks or flag-raising ceremonies, wearing makeup, spraying perfume. Whatever the school opposed, I supported. I even brought a group of little followers with me to play cards in class. But I was lucky in life—up to now I still have to admit that. Back then I had what people called a head of "glossy black beautiful long hair," all the way past the roots of my thighs. The director of student affairs was a guy in his twenties. Every day he rode a flashy Amoi-ni racing bicycle to work, and dressed like a student himself. He loved girls with long hair most, so he got to know me and, with a bit of a teacher-student romance tendency, started interacting with me. But after all he still knew he was the student affairs director. Besides indulging my total disregard for school rules, he was also especially tolerant toward that bunch of hoodlum friends I had outside. He even often passed me messages, telling me who was looking for me and things like that. And every time I thanked him, it was by running to his office at noon and using the gas stove he'd brought from home to cook noodles for him to eat, then letting him casually braid my long hair into whatever strange hairstyle suddenly came to mind. Like that, I saved quite a bit of my meal money every month. After saving it up, for the first time I bought Yang Chen a birthday gift: a ZIPPO lighter worth more than 900 yuan.

On my birthday, the director called me to his office. I thought Yang Chen and the others were looking for me to celebrate my birthday, so I happily ran to the academic office. But the moment I went in and saw his serious expression, I knew something had happened. He said to me, "You know Wang Hong and Yang Jian from our school, right?" I nodded. They were two senior third-year students, friends of Yang Chen's. The director continued, "Something happened to them." I looked at him in shock, waiting for what came next. "They were beaten up yesterday by students from 1XX Middle School. Wang Hong's left arm is fractured, and Yang Jian's eardrums in both ears were ruptured." I said, "Ah? Why were they beaten?" "I don't know. You'll have to ask Yang Chen. I think he should know. Also, try not to go out causing trouble lately. The school is starting a strict search for students who stir up trouble. No telling who might give you up." I nodded numbly. He sighed and said, "Alright, go back. If there's anything you can't solve, don't force it. Talk it over with Yang Chen and the others first. If that doesn't work, I'll think of something." I didn't attend the afternoon classes at all. My head was full of Wang Hong and Yang Jian. 1XX Middle School was full of little punks—how dare they mess with our people? Most of the students from our elementary school had all flocked there, and I knew quite a few people there too. So I decided that after school, I'd go there and ask what exactly had happened.

After school, I rode my bike alone to 1XX Middle School. Their teaching building was gloomy, unlike our school's open classrooms. When I got to the second floor, I ran into several classmates from elementary school. Xiaojia was among them. Ever since we parted, we had never been in contact again. When I saw her, I still had that feeling of old friends meeting again, but the way she looked at me had changed. After a hurried greeting, she went downstairs with the others. I found one of my old underlings, Duan Ran, and told him what I knew. Before he could answer, I was suddenly yanked from behind by a force and slammed against the wall. When I turned around, I saw that more than ten people had gathered behind me, men and women, some I knew and some I didn't. Standing in the middle was Xiao Ai, whom I would never forget for the rest of my life. Beside her was Xiaojia. At that moment I understood—Xiaojia had gone to tell Xiao Ai I was here and called her over for revenge. I found Xiaojia's behavior very strange. After all, I'd hit Xiao Ai for her sake back then. For the first time I felt what it meant to be outnumbered. I was a little scared, but I had to act calm. I turned and asked Xiaojia, "Why are you doing this?" My tone stayed very calm. Xiaojia said disdainfully, "Why? You're so damn great now, with Yang Chen backing you up. You hit Xiao Ai, but when Deng Qi hit me, I didn't even dare tell anybody or I'd get beaten again. Xiao Ai also got dumped by Deng Qi because she offended Yang Chen. This is all because of you, and you're asking me why?" Just as I was about to speak, Xiao Ai kicked me hard in the lower belly and said, "This kick is to pay back Yang Chen!" Then she slapped me twice and said, "These are for you and Yang Chen." My legs immediately went weak. It was obvious from the smell that Xiao Ai had drunk a lot, and she had used all her strength in that kick. It happened to be my period, and my lower abdomen started stabbing with pain in waves. Of course my legs went weak, but I forced myself to stay propped against the wall. I knew I absolutely couldn't fall to the ground. If I did, they would be even more able to do whatever they wanted to me. I looked around at those familiar faces. Their expressions were fearful. They were avoiding my eyes. They were still afraid of me, and that comforted me a little, because I knew that aside from Xiao Ai, who hated me enough to lose her mind, the others probably wouldn't really do much to me. Just as I was about to say something, someone hurriedly said to Xiao Ai, "That's enough, let's go. I think I saw a teacher coming." Xiao Ai glared at me fiercely and said, "Don't let me see you again. Every time I do, I'll beat you." Then she turned and left with the others. Duan Ran hurried over to support me and said, "Sis, hurry and go. She's drunk. If she comes back to beat you again, there's nothing I can do." I gave a bitter smile and let him support me out of the school. I endured the pain and made it home. The moment I entered, I rushed into the bathroom and saw that my menstrual blood had already turned black. I clenched my teeth and thought, "You gave me one hell of a birthday present. I'll remember it."

I didn't dare tell Yang Chen about this, because I knew he would go overturn that whole school, and if things got too big it wouldn't be good for anyone. But the anger stuck in my chest felt unbearable. So on the third day after being beaten, I found Huang Mao and Zhang Shuo together and told them what had happened. By the end, both of them were cursing and saying they were going to find Xiao Ai and teach her a lesson. My mind was a total mess. The feeling was complicated. Facing the first beating of my life, being laughed at by so many people, and the betrayal of a friend—it really was every kind of emotion mixed together. Huang Mao kept shouting nonstop, and I said nothing. In the end, Zhang Shuo got angry too and yelled at me, "We all call you sis, but damn it, we're all older than you! Even if you don't care about your own pride, you should think about Brother Chen's pride, right? We run with him—how can we allow our own people to be bullied by trash like that? What right do they have to bully our people?! Can you act a little like a big sister?!" I looked at Zhang Shuo, then at Huang Mao, and finally made up my mind. I said to them, "Don't hit anyone, don't make trouble, don't let Yang Chen know. Just bring Xiao Ai to me. Tomorrow night I want to see her." Zhang Shuo seemed to think I'd suddenly come to my senses, and smiled. "Leave it to me. Tomorrow I'll definitely bring her."

The next evening, after school, I went to Nanguan Park where we'd agreed to meet. It was a place we and the punks from Dongzhimen Middle School often went. By the time I got there, Zhang Shuo and the others were already there. Xiao Ai, Xiaojia, and Duan Ran stood to one side. Zhang Shuo, Huang Mao, and a few other underlings were squatting there, some smoking, some playing cards. When I walked over, everybody stood up. I walked into the middle of that group of boys, all at least half a head taller than me, and suddenly felt a kind of thrill that a good show was about to begin. If you want to call it perverse, then better to say it was vanity acting up again. Zhang Shuo lit a cigarette for me. I looked at Xiao Ai and said nothing, waiting for her to speak first. In the end she couldn't keep it in. Still acting arrogant, she said to me, "I fell into your hands today, so do whatever you want. But don't forget, there'll be a time when I catch you alone too." Her words instantly lit my anger, but I still said calmly, "Do you think after today you'll still be able to touch me?" She said, "If you don't believe it, try me." I walked over fast and slapped her with all my strength. My hand hurt again. She staggered from the blow. I said, "You still want to act tough with me?" Then I kicked her in the lower belly just like she had kicked me, and asked, "You still want to act tough with me?" Then I kicked her a second time, a third, a fourth... She had already collapsed to the ground and couldn't move, groaning softly in pain. My kicks also changed from kicking to almost toying with her, nudging and kicking her around. Xiaojia's face looked worse and worse. I turned back to her and said, "See that? That's what happens when you hit me. Want to know what happens when you betray me?" Before she could answer, I'd already kicked her too. At that moment I suddenly discovered that fighting with your feet took a lot less effort than with your hands... Neither of them had the strength to stand up on their own anymore. I crouched beside them and said, "Remember this. If there's a next time, then there'll be blood." I slowly stood up. Zhang Shuo was staring at me a little blankly. I said, "What?" He said, "Oh, what about him?" He pointed at Duan Ran. I glanced at him. He was obviously even more terrified. I smiled and said, "He has nothing to do with this. Give him a pack of cigarettes." Huang Mao tossed him a pack of Marlboro, and then we all walked out together. I didn't look at Xiao Ai's expression again. I didn't want to look, and I didn't dare look. It was the first time I'd treated someone with such cruelty, hit someone so hard. I felt a bit guilty, but also felt it was deserved. Very contradictory feelings. It wasn't until we walked out of the park that I saw Yang Chen waiting for us with several people. I looked at Zhang Shuo unhappily, then at Huang Mao. Both wore expressions of "it wasn't me." Yang Chen didn't speak. He walked over, took my hand, looked at it, and said, "Your hand isn't red?" Before I could speak, Zhang Shuo cut in: "Her shoes need replacing." Yang Chen lowered his head and looked at my leather shoes. They were covered in yellow dust from all the kicking. Helplessly, he shook his head and said, "Now you know how ruthless women are, right?" Then he looked at me for a while and said, "You've finally learned how to fight. Hurry home, change clothes, and get some sleep." I obediently nodded and watched him lead Zhang Shuo and the others away...

All along, I never really understood what kind of relationship I had with Yang Chen, but obviously it wasn't romantic. Among the people who often hung around together with them, there were also a few people from the entertainment circle, and the entertainment when we got together was video games. In the second year of middle school, I got my first boyfriend, a singer who wasn't all that famous. He was friends with Yang Chen. After seeing him a few times, I heard him say he was looking for an assistant to help write copy and things like that. I suddenly thought that I was at least pretty good with writing, so naturally I recommended myself and became his assistant, until later I became his girlfriend. After getting together with him, I went to school while also helping him manage work and life matters. My parents also, because they saw I was working while studying and sometimes even helping support the family, didn't restrict my life too much. But it seemed I saw Yang Chen less often. We often stayed holed up in the little villa he bought outside the North Fourth Ring, listening to music, playing video games, or playing mahjong with a few singer neighbors. At that time they all liked smoking marijuana, but Yang Chen and the others never allowed me to touch that stuff from the very beginning. Because of that, I was relatively lucky. To this day I haven't touched any drugs at all.
Later Yang Chen also got a girlfriend, four years older than him, also a singer, a girl who sang at Huadu. We all called her Xiao En. Xiao En was a pretty pitiful girl. She was an orphan, adopted by her godmother. In our group there weren't many girls who could step up and speak. I could because I'd been hanging around with them for so many years and had a bit more seniority, so what I said still carried some weight. A girl like Xiao En, even though the underlings called her sister-in-law, everyone knew she wasn't worth much, because she was just the big brother's chick, just some girl. If he wanted to replace her, she could be dumped and ignored at any time. Not to mention that she was so much older than Yang Chen. Marrying her was almost impossible. So in that group, Xiao En had almost no status at all. She also wasn't much of a talker. We occasionally went to Huadu to watch her sing and so on. My boyfriend also often went there because of work, so my contact with Xiao En gradually increased.

Once, Xiao En dragged me to Sanlitun for drinks, so I went with her to "Boys and Girls." There were lots of old friends there—Zhang Lin, Li Xiaodong, Xin Xin—back then they were all top performers there. We found a table in the corner and sat down. Xiao En started drinking like crazy, crying as she drank, her voice broken up. In front of me, she was confessing. She said, "I've wronged Yang Chen. I lied to him." I didn't say anything, just watched her. Xiao En continued, "I already had a boyfriend, but I felt Yang Chen treated me well, and I couldn't help it. I really do like Yang Chen, but he can't marry me. He can't support me. I'm so miserable." Just as I was about to say something, Xiao En suddenly sat up, eyes blankly fixed, and said to me, "Xiaoxu, do you know? That bastard Liu Xiao took all the money I'd saved! He ran off with that bitch! He doesn't want me anymore..." Then she dropped onto the table and started crying again. I felt a little helpless. I'd long since stopped finding complicated relationships between men and women surprising. She loved Yang Chen, but suffered because Yang Chen couldn't free her. She had a man, but that man had taken all her savings and run off with another woman. Even though I couldn't truly feel what she felt, I understood her pain. And her pain could only be told to me, the only woman in the circle she spent day and night with. Even though I was a full eight years younger than her, over that long time together she had already come to regard me as the only other person besides Yang Chen who was worth trusting. I patted her slowly and said, "What do you need me to do for you? Should Yang Chen step in?" She shook her head in fear and said, "No. I know Liu Xiao ran off to Shenzhen. I want to go find him. I want my money back. I can't tell Yang Chen about this, I'm begging you. Just help me this once. I know you can smooth it out for me. Liu Xiao has some influence over there, I can't deal with him." I kept frowning. Smooth it out? How was I supposed to smooth it out? I knew nothing at all about the situation over there. How could I handle it? I sighed and said, "I'll do my best to think of something." Then I paid the bill and took her home.

After coming out of her place, I didn't go home, and I didn't go back to the little place outside the North Fourth Ring either. I bought a few cans of beer and sat alone in the little garden where I often played cards with Yang Chen and the others. It was very quiet, and I carefully thought over Xiao En's matter. Honestly, with my own strength, I was insignificant in Shenzhen. I didn't know a single person there. Even if I brought people, I could only bring a few. It wasn't like I could showily drag dozens of people there to catch someone. Besides, wasn't it bad not to tell Yang Chen about Xiao En's matter? After all, Yang Chen was closer to me. But I couldn't push aside Xiao En's pleading look. I saw the gold anklet tied around my right ankle, the one Xiao En had given me for my birthday. She'd said, "You don't wear any jewelry at all. Is it because it gets in the way when you make a move? So I'll give you an anklet. It won't get in the way, and it's pretty too." Before I could take it, Yang Chen had already bent down and fastened it around my ankle. He said, "Today it's your big brother fastening it for you. In the future it'll be your husband fastening it for you. Once you're tied up, you won't be able to run." Then Xiao En snuggled into Yang Chen's arms like a kitten. That scene of happiness is hard for me to forget, and that sincere blessing is hard to forget too. Such a kind girl, bullied like that—
shouldn't I stand up for her?
I had to help her! Once I'd made up my mind, I started arranging the trip to Shenzhen. Luckily it was summer vacation. I told my boyfriend, Yang Chen, and my parents that the school had arranged a summer camp and I was going away for a month. Then I took Xiao En, Wang Xiao, Huang Mao, and several others who were tight-lipped and quick-witted, eight people in all, and headed for Shenzhen.

Shenzhen in summer made us feel hot and restless. That heavy, muggy feeling was hard to take. After we checked into an inn, Xiao En started using every connection she had in Shenzhen to look for Liu Xiao and that woman. But we waited a whole week without a trace of news. Xiao En had come over with a performance troupe and wasn't staying with us. During the daytime we didn't really dare go out, so we just played cards together. At night we followed Xiao En to her performances, then met up afterward to discuss finding people. Then one day, several of us arrived at the nightclub where Xiao En was supposed to perform, but we didn't see her there. Even by after nine at night, she still hadn't appeared. The organizer of the troupe asked me whether I'd seen Xiao En, because it was her turn to go on. Right then I had a bad feeling. It seemed something big was going to happen. At the time I called Huang Mao and Wang Xiao over and said, "Let's go check where Xiao En's staying." They nodded, and all of us followed me out through the side door beside the nightclub.

Sometimes a woman's sixth sense is accurate—so accurate it makes your skin crawl. My premonition came true. The moment we stepped out of the nightclub doors, more than ten people suddenly rushed at us fast, carrying knives and iron rods. I was a bit stunned and froze for a second, but Huang Mao shoved me hard and shouted, "Go!" So I started running for my life. While running, I looked back once. That one glance happened to catch Huang Mao lying on the ground, his back to me, a gleaming knife stuck in his left shoulder. Wang Xiao, meanwhile, was surrounded by a group of people, being kicked and beaten. I figured his situation couldn't be any better. The entire dark street was filled only with rough curses and a few cries of pain. I don't know what emotion suddenly took hold of me, but I stopped in my tracks. Several people running behind me also stopped and waited for me to speak. I looked at those faces—some of them I couldn't even call by name—and said, "Dare to go back with me?" They looked at me fixedly. I took a deep breath and started walking back. Then someone behind me suddenly called out, "Big sis!" I turned and looked at him. He took out a broad knife from behind him and handed it to me. I frowned, took it, and turned back toward that group of people, thinking: I didn't bring the wrong people. At least with a weapon we won't suffer too badly.

When we got in front of them, Huang Mao and Wang Xiao were already covered in blood and unable to move. I looked at them and felt they were probably beyond saving. The hatred gritted through my teeth at that moment is hard to describe. Seeing us come back, that group seemed a bit surprised and slowly closed in around us. The one in the lead, wearing a T-shirt and jeans, stood there without moving and looked at me. He asked, "You little brats really dared come looking for trouble with Liu Xiao?" His Beijing accent was authentic. He was obviously one of the people who had come with Liu Xiao when he ran away to Shenzhen. He tilted his head and said to me, "You're the boss?" I glared at him through clenched teeth without speaking. He said again, "Ever chopped anyone before? Holding a knife like that and acting all tough?" I still just stared him down. He slowly walked over to me and suddenly swung the triangular iron bar in his hand at my left leg. I instantly dropped to my knees, numb from the blow. The edge of the iron tore my pants, and a chunk of flesh from the outside of my left leg was ripped away. Blood started pouring out at once, but I couldn't feel pain. The whole leg had gone numb. I only knew my wet pants were all soaked with blood. Then he came over again, squatted in front of me, and asked, "How old are you?" I glared at him and said, "Fuck you!" Right then another slap landed on the left side of my face, and my ear instantly went "buzz" and I couldn't hear anything. The few people behind me wanted to rush over, but all of them were surrounded by his men. Then he took out a cigarette and lit one. With his left hand he clamped my face, and with the lighter in his right hand he slowly started burning my chin. A piercing pain shot through me, but I never cried. I only struggled, but the force with which he held my face kept getting stronger. My chin had already gone numb, and I could only smell something burning. By then feeling had mostly returned to my leg. Suddenly I swung the knife in my right hand at the arm that was holding my face. I heard him scream, and I immediately jumped up and slashed at him three or four more times. His men had clearly gone stupid for a moment. By the time I led the others and charged out through their encirclement and started running, they only then began chasing us madly. We ran around aimlessly until we saw a big iron gate. I don't know where the strength came from, but one by one, pulling and dragging each other, we climbed over it. Inside we found a quiet residential block. We kept running deeper inside to somewhere quiet. My leg had started going numb in waves, the blood that had flowed out had already dried, and my jeans felt wet and heavy. At that moment all I could think was, "We have to leave here right away. Once we get back to Beijing, it'll be fine." I told A Ming to go check us out of the inn and bring back what little luggage we had. The wound on my leg wasn't very big. We wrapped it in gauze with Yunnan Baiyao, and put medicine on my chin too. Luckily Yunnan Baiyao was always one of the things we kept on hand most often, otherwise we might really have been left behind in Shenzhen. The others who'd been cut by knives also changed out of their torn clothes and treated their wounds. The next day, without making a sound, we got on a train and headed back to Beijing.

After returning to Beijing in fear and trembling, the moment we got off the train we went to Yang Chen's house. The instant I saw Yang Chen, my tears finally burst through the dam. Seeing all my injuries, Yang Chen didn't understand at first what had happened. I cried so hard I went dizzy. All I could do was cry. He comforted me and said, "What happened exactly? Got in a fight? If you couldn't beat them, it's enough that you ran back. Why are you crying?" I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't know what to say. I had no way to tell him that the woman he loved and his good brothers were all dead. At that moment A Ming said, "Brother Chen, come with me for a minute." Yang Chen followed him out to the living room, puzzled, and I kept lying on the bed crying and sobbing. Suddenly I heard a crashing series of things being smashed in the living room. Then sudden silence. Then the sound of several grown men crying... I couldn't help but rush out too. After all these years, it was the first time I'd ever seen Yang Chen's eyes red. I went over and crouched beside him and said, "Huang Mao and Wang Xiao... they died so miserably..." Then I couldn't help hugging him and crying again. Yang Chen looked at me silently and said, "Three people are already dead. This was caused by you. Do you know that?" Crying, I said I knew, that I was sorry to them. I said every self-blaming thing I could say. But I knew none of it could make up for anything anymore. Yang Chen looked at me and suddenly pulled me into his arms and said, "I'm not blaming you. Maybe if you'd told me in advance, the one who wouldn't have come back this time might have been me. I just feel that Huang Mao and the others..." At that point he couldn't hold back any longer and started crying too. The whole room was filled with grief.

A week later, we saw the report in the newspaper. Xiao En's body had been found in a roadside ditch, with 26 knife wounds all over her body. The state of her death was too horrible to look at. Yang Chen and I went together to Baoli Building to receive Xiao En's ashes, and then we sent her to Babaoshan.

Yang Chen forbade us from mentioning anything about what happened in Shenzhen ever again. And because of my guilt, I also stopped seeing him often. My studies got more intense too, and I had much less time. Little by little, we lost contact...

In February 2000, I saw Yang Chen at our company's club. He was dressed in a sharp suit. He said he was doing business now, said he was doing very well, said he was about to emigrate. We gave each other our blessings, and together we went to Huang Mao and Wang Xiao's graves to pay respects. Even now, I still remember that by the time Huang Mao died, I had already grown half a head taller than him....

To this day, other than no longer smoking Marlboro and switching to Zhongnanhai, none of my habits have changed. I still like dyeing my hair yellow, because I always thought Huang Mao's hair looked really good, even though his was natural. I also still like wearing anklets. And, just as Yang Chen said, the anklet I'm wearing now was given to me by my husband.