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初恋情人的乳房
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初恋情人的乳房
其实严格来说她不算我的初恋情人，因为我们没有恋爱过，我只是暗恋她而已。
一
那年我18岁，在北京一所很著名的大学读大一。
农村生长的我，刚入首都，看到别的同学，骄傲的男生、漂亮的女生，心里有一种自卑感，所以很少与人交往。
这时她出现在我的生活里。她算不上绝色，但绝对是美女，柔顺飘逸的长发，苗条高挑的身材，走到哪里都是人们关注的焦点。最吸引人注意的还是她丰满的胸部，坚挺、结实。她性格很大方、开朗，又很会体贴人，温婉可人而不失坚强，而且成绩优秀，是系学生会的学习部长，追她的男生多如夏夜的青蛙，不计其数。
像这么优秀的女孩一般我是不会去招惹的，我没钱，又不帅，惹不起。
晚上我们一般都在阶梯教室自习，座位不固定。她总是主动坐在我旁边，没事找事的与我说话。开始我不理她，可她丝毫不以为意，仍然向我问这问那。没办法我只好答话，慢慢的就熟识了，话也多了起来。
有一次她问我：“你不与人交往，是不是有些自卑？”
我说是。
她说：“那我训练你，让你自信起来好不好？”
我说好啊。
她说：“第一步，注视我的眼睛。”
我说不要吧？
她说：“说话时不敢看对方的眼睛，别人一眼就知道你心虚。”
于是我大胆地看着她的眼睛。
她的眼睛真好看，很大，很清澈，水汪汪的，尽管戴着高度近视眼镜，但丝毫无损于她的美丽。
刚看了不到5秒钟，我就心虚了，把目光向下移。
可是又看到了她更美丽的胸部。
我的脸一下子红了。
她没注意到我看了她的胸部，说：“看你看你，胆子这么小。”
于是我又鼓起勇气与她对视。
在她的帮助下，我很快开朗起来，同学们也不再把我当“异类”。我真正融入到了同学之中，学习成绩成直线上升，还在校园征文中获得了一等奖。
当然对这一切最感到高兴的还是她，因为她的努力有了效果。
可是我知道我爱上了她，一天不和她说话我就像浑身没劲。
她是北京人，每到周末都要回家。于是周末成了我最讨厌的日子。
我知道她感受到了我对她的感情。因为从表面上看，她对每个男生都很好，好像跟大家相处得都不错，我只是其中之一而已。但她跟我在一起笑得最多，话也最多，而且每次星期天下午从来家里回来时，都要给我带一些吃的，这让我感到很幸福，也让别的男生很吃醋。
二
转眼就要放寒假了。
寒假有一个月不能见到她，我不知道这个假期我该怎么过，只有盼望日子慢一点。
可是时间还是一天一天飞快的过去，寒假终于到了。
虽然父母很想我，但还是写信叫我不要回去，我也不打算回去。因为买车票的钱相当于我两个月的生活费。
临近过年，许多民工都回乡了，在离学校大概一个小时车程的建筑工地上，我找到了一份挑砖和看守材料的工作，晚上就住在工棚里。工钱是按天算的，每天20元，还管3餐饭，我很知足，因为一个寒假能挣600，下学期的生活费就不要家里寄了。
北京的冬天真冷啊。
家乡的冬天也冷，但必竟是南方，把棉被加厚一点就可以了。
可在北京不行。夜里，工棚里简直是个冰窟隆。我又不敢生火，因为工棚里就我一个人，怕睡着了出安全事故。难以入睡，只能勉强打个盹凑合一下。
腊月二十八。早上。
我像往常一样，挑起一担砖，刚直起腰就看见了她。
她和她爸妈提着很多菜，应该是采购年货吧。
她也看见了我，很意外。
对视了两秒。
我低下头继续工作。
她叫住我：“你......”
我苦笑：“我要挣生活费。”
她不由分说地拉起我：“去我家洗个热水澡，换套我爸的衣服，看你一身的灰。”
她的坚决让我无法拒绝，我去了。
原来她家就在附近。进院子的时候我注意了一下，是一个很有实权的部门。对面走来一人，很恭敬地对她爸说“赵局长好”，看到我跟他们走在一起，很诧异地看着。她妈在后面说：“我家下水道堵了，找个人看一下。”
我只觉得脑袋“轰”了一声。掉头就往回走。身后传来她和她妈吵架的声音。
我穷，但我有自尊。
晚上，我坐在棉被里，想起白天的事，心情很差。于是拿起心爱的二胡，拉起了辛酸的《二泉映月》。(忘了交待，我跟父亲学会了二胡，尤其喜欢《二泉映月》)
曲终，有人鼓掌：“今天才知道你还有这手绝活。”
她提着一个大包站在棚口：“不请我进来么？”
我冷冷地看着她。
她自顾自地走了进来，脱鞋，也在棉被里坐下。“我带了几件我爸的旧衣服，希望你不要嫌弃。白天的事我向你道歉。还有400块钱，是我给你的压岁钱。”
我说：“我不要你的怜悯和施舍。我在我的世界里，以我自己的方式活得很好，不要你来管。”
她说：“我真的想帮你，没有丝毫看不起你的意思，你要相信我。以前你内向，我帮你开朗起来。现在你生活这么苦，我想帮你渡过难关。”
我看着她。
她也看着我。
我们就这样对视着，足有5分钟。
虽然工棚里只有25瓦的灯泡，但她脸上的真诚却真实地映入我的眼底。
一个念头在我心底升起。
我突然一把扳过她身子，把她压在身下，一只手粗鲁地抓着她的胸部。
她愣了一下，可能一下没反应过来，但随即掀开我，然后一个响亮的耳光落在我脸上。
“无耻!我真是瞎了眼了!”她整理了一下，头也不回地走了。
我知道我与她彻底结束了，心里一阵轻松，尽管很不舍。
三
又开学了，大家陆续返回了校园。
她依然与每个男生保持着交往，除了我。晚上自修，也远远的坐着。
同学们也发现了这一点，都问我原因，我不答。
日子就在这冷冷的气氛中过去了三年，每一天我都承受着煎熬的三年。看着她若无其事的与其他同学嘻笑，我的心就一阵阵刺痛。于是我更加发奋的读书，但最高奖学金丝毫不能减轻我的痛苦。
我知道我深爱着她，但我不配。我想只有毕业才能解脱这种痛苦。
而我在她眼里就像是透明人一样，她的目光从来不在我身上停留。
直到有一天......
那时已经是夏天了，离毕业大概还有个把月。我们寝室一直有“卧谈”的传统，那天一个平时与我关系很好的朋友说起了她“那对奶子，啧啧，真想咬一口。”那表情，就好像真的咬了一样。我扑上去，狠狠给了他一拳。
第二天，我们两人都青肿着脸去上课。全班同学都知道了打架的原因。晚上，在阶梯教室，她又坐到了我旁边，盯着我不说话。尽管已有三年不曾对视，但我仍读懂了她的目光，她是在询问。我说：“因为我不想别人侮辱你。”
她说：“既然如此，那当初你自己为什么要侮辱我？”
我只觉得热血上涌，心中埋藏了三年的话终于脱口而出：“因为我不想你在我身上浪费青春。我配不上你，我们是两个世界的人。虽然我喜欢你，但我毕业后要回去的，不可能留京。而你不同，你应该有更美好的未来。”
“然后你就用这种方法来让我讨厌你？”她看着我。
我也看着她：“是。”
又一次对视。
良久，她仰起脸，但眼泪仍掉了下来。
我收拾好书，走出了阶梯教室。一直到毕业，我都没有再去自修。
......
腊月二十八。早上。
我像往常一样，为女儿准备早餐。
手机响了，是我留京的同学打来的：“她今天结婚。”
我说：“谁结婚？”
他说：“还有谁？已经32了，全班最后一个结婚，还非要把婚期定在腊月二十八，都快过年了，不知道她怎么想的。”
“咣”的一声，我手中的锅铲掉在地上。
客厅传来妻的声音：“怎么了？”
我说没什么，拾起锅铲，把已经煎糊了的鸡蛋丢进垃圾桶。
First Love Lover's Breasts
Actually, strictly speaking, she isn't really my first love because we never dated; I just had a secret crush on her.
I
That year I was 18, a freshman at a very famous university in Beijing.
Growing up in the countryside, when I first arrived in the capital, I felt a sense of inferiority when I saw other classmates—proud boys and pretty girls. So I rarely interacted with others.
Then she entered my life. She wasn't extremely beautiful, but she was definitely a beauty. Her long, smooth, flowing hair, her slender and tall figure—wherever she went, she was the center of attention. What attracted people most was her plump breasts, firm and solid. She had a generous, cheerful personality, was very considerate, gentle and lovely yet not lacking in strength. Moreover, she was an excellent student and the study minister of the department's student union. There were as many boys chasing her as there were frogs in summer nights, countless.
Girls like her were generally not something I would court. I had no money and wasn't handsome; I couldn't afford to惹 her.
We usually studied in the amphitheater at night, with no fixed seats. She always took the initiative to sit next to me and started chatting with me for no reason. At first I ignored her, but she didn't mind at all and still asked me questions. Eventually I had to respond, and we gradually got to know each other and talked more.
Once she asked me, "You don't interact with others. Is it because you have some inferiority complex?"
I said yes.
She said, "Then I'll train you to make you confident, okay?"
I said okay.
She said, "The first step, look into my eyes."
I said no way?
She said, "If you don't dare to look into the other person's eyes when speaking, others will immediately know you're guilty."
So I boldly looked into her eyes.
Her eyes were really beautiful, big, clear, watery. Although she wore highly myopic glasses, it didn't detract from her beauty at all.
I only looked for less than 5 seconds and then felt guilty, moving my gaze downward.
But then I saw her more beautiful breasts.
My face turned red in an instant.
She didn't notice that I had looked at her breasts and said, "Look at you, so timid."
So I mustered the courage to look at her again.
With her help, I quickly became more cheerful, and classmates no longer treated me as an "outsider". I truly integrated into the class, my academic performance soared, and I even won first prize in the campus essay contest.
Of course, the one most delighted about all this was her, because her efforts had paid off.
But I knew I had fallen in love with her. I felt listless if I didn't talk to her for a day.
She was from Beijing and had to go home every weekend. So weekends became the days I most hated.
I knew she had sensed my feelings for her. Because on the surface, she was nice to every boy, as if she got along well with everyone, and I was just one of them. But she laughed the most and talked the most with me, and every Sunday afternoon when she came back from home, she would bring me some food, which made me feel happy and made other boys jealous.
II
Before I knew it, winter vacation was approaching.
I wouldn't be able to see her for a month during winter vacation, and I didn't know how I would spend this vacation; I just hoped time would slow down.
But time still passed quickly day by day, and winter vacation finally arrived.
Although my parents missed me very much, they still wrote to ask me not to go back, and I didn't plan to. Because the money for buying a train ticket was equivalent to two months of my living expenses.
Near the New Year, many migrant workers returned to their hometowns. I found a job at a construction site about an hour's drive from the school, picking bricks and guarding materials. I lived in the worker's shed at night. The wage was calculated by the day, 20 yuan per day, and three meals were provided. I was very content because I could earn 600 yuan during the whole winter vacation, and my living expenses for the next semester wouldn't need to be sent by my family.
Winter in Beijing was really cold.
Winter in my hometown was also cold, but after all, it was in the south, and I could just thicken the quilt.
But in Beijing, it wasn't the case. At night, the worker's shed was like an ice cave. I didn't dare to make a fire because I was the only one in the shed, and I was afraid of having a safety accident if I fell asleep. It was hard to fall asleep, and I could only barely doze off to make do.
On the 28th day of the twelfth lunar month. Morning.
I was picking up a load of bricks as usual. As soon as I straightened up, I saw her.
She and her parents were carrying a lot of vegetables; they must be shopping for New Year's goods.
She also saw me and was very surprised.
We looked at each other for two seconds.
I lowered my head and continued working.
She called out to me: "You..."
I smiled bitterly: "I'm earning living expenses."
She pulled me up without a word: "Go to my house to take a hot shower and change into a set of my father's clothes. Look at you, covered in dust."
Her determination made it impossible for me to refuse, so I went.
It turned out her house was nearby. When entering the courtyard, I noticed it was a department with quite a bit of power. A person coming from the opposite side greeted her father very respectfully, "Hello, Director Zhao." When he saw that I was walking with them, he looked at me in surprise. Her mother said behind her, "The sewer in our house is blocked, so we're finding someone to fix it."
I just felt my head go "bang". I turned around and started walking back. Behind me came the sound of her and her mother arguing.
I was poor, but I had pride.
That night, I sat in the quilt, thinking about what happened during the day, and I was in a bad mood. So I picked up my beloved erhu and played the bitter "Erquan Yingyue". (I forgot to mention that I learned the erhu from my father and especially liked "Erquan Yingyue".)
After the piece ended, someone applauded: "I just found out today that you have this unique skill."
She was standing at the shed entrance with a big bag in her hand: "Aren't you going to invite me in?"
I looked at her coldly.
She walked in by herself, took off her shoes, and sat down in the quilt too. "I brought a few old clothes of my father's. I hope you don't dislike them. I apologize for what happened during the day. Also, here's 400 yuan, which is the New Year's money I give you."
I said, "I don't want your pity and charity. I live well in my own world in my own way; don't you need to interfere."
She said, "I really want to help you, and I have no intention of looking down on you. You have to believe me. You used to be introverted, and I helped you become cheerful. Now you're living such a hard life, and I want to help you get through this difficult time."
I looked at her.
She also looked at me.
We just looked at each other like this for as long as 5 minutes.
Although there was only a 25-watt bulb in the worker's shed, the sincerity on her face was truly reflected in my eyes.
A thought arose in my heart.
I suddenly turned her body over and pinned her down, roughly grabbing her breasts with one hand.
She was stunned for a moment, maybe she didn't react immediately, but then she pushed me away, and then a loud slap landed on my face.
"Shameless! I really had my eyes wide open!" She tidied herself up and left without looking back.
I knew I was completely over with her, and although I was very reluctant, I felt a sense of relief in my heart.
III
School started again, and everyone gradually returned to campus.
She still interacted with every boy, except me. At night for self-study, she also sat far away.
Classmates also noticed this and asked me the reason, but I didn't answer.
Days passed in this cold atmosphere for three years, three years during which I endured suffering every day. Watching her laugh and chat with other classmates as if nothing had happened, my heart ached from time to time. So I studied even harder, but the highest scholarship couldn't ease my pain at all.
I knew I loved her deeply, but I wasn't worthy. I thought only graduation would relieve this pain.
And in her eyes, I was like a transparent person; her gaze never lingered on me.
Until one day...
By then it was already summer, and there was about a month left before graduation. Our dormitory always had the tradition of "bedtime chats". That day, a friend who was usually on good terms with me mentioned her "those breasts, tsk tsk, I really want to take a bite." The expression on his face was as if he had really taken a bite. I pounced on him and gave him a hard punch.
The next day, both of us had bruised and swollen faces and went to class. The whole class knew the reason for the fight. That night, in the amphitheater, she sat next to me again, staring at me without speaking. Although we hadn't looked at each other for three years, I still read her gaze; she was asking. I said, "Because I don't want others to insult you."
She said, "Then why did you insult me yourself back then?"
I just felt my blood rush to my head, and the words I had buried in my heart for three years finally blurted out: "Because I didn't want you to waste your youth on me. I'm not worthy of you; we're from two different worlds. Although I like you, I'm going back after graduation and can't stay in Beijing. But you're different; you should have a better future."
"Then you used this method to make me hate you?" She looked at me.
I also looked at her: "Yes."
We looked at each other again.
After a long time, she tilted her face up, but tears still fell.
I packed up my books and walked out of the amphitheater. I didn't go to self-study again until graduation.
......
On the 28th day of the twelfth lunar month. Morning.
I was preparing breakfast for my daughter as usual.
My phone rang; it was a classmate who stayed in Beijing: "She's getting married today."
I said, "Who's getting married?"
He said, "Who else? She's 32 now, the last one in the class to get married, and she非要 set the wedding date on the 28th day of the twelfth lunar month, it's almost New Year, I don't know what she was thinking."
With a "clang", the spatula in my hand fell to the ground.
My wife's voice came from the living room: "What's wrong?"
I said it was nothing, picked up the spatula, and threw the already burnt egg into the trash bin.
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